Sunshine
by mssdare
Summary: What if everything went very wrong in Volterra? Edward's decisions have led to the death of two family members and Bella's becoming a vampire. The Cullen family has fallen apart. How can you live forever when you've lost those who you've loved the most?
1. Home

What if everything went very wrong in Volterra? Edward's decisions have led to the death of two family members and Bella's becoming a vampire. The Cullen family has fallen apart. How can you live forever when you've lost those who you've loved the most?

AU, hurt/comfort, non-canon pairing, B/J. M rated.

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><p><strong>AN**

It is my first fanfiction ever so I stay safely pretty close to canon. It is also my first piece of writing in English, please note English is not my mother language, so sometimes I may sound... strange.

Many thanks to PTB's betas - **Lyta7**, **MrsDazzled** and **SqueakyZorro** for their work on this chapter!

And great thanks to **Touchstone67** - she may not realize it but I wouldn't dare to try to write if she didn't encouraged me to ;) Go read her stories! :)

I do not own anything Twilight.

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><p>They say vampires have only a vague recollection of human life. They say those frail human memories fade with time. I wish it was true in my case.<p>

I remember everything – his face, his voice, his touch. The way he used to smile at me, the way he'd say my name. And the moment when he chose death over me becoming one of his kind, over our life together.

Well, he'd died for nothing. And left me alone.

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><p><strong>Chapter 1: Home<strong>

Someone was at the door. I heard them long before they knocked. I don't know why they even bothered knocking. It wasn't like I was here by choice. It wasn't like I could refuse them to enter.

I recognized Felix's footsteps and smell and sighed with frustration. I thought they'd given up on the tests by now. It seemed like a long time since they had last tried one. On the other hand, I wouldn't be able to tell how much time had actually passed. I was trapped in that room, somewhere deep underground in the Volturi castle, with no access to natural light or calendars and clocks for that matter. Sleep was no longer an indication of time passing. I didn't get tired anymore. I could stay for hours without any movement, even a blink of an eye or a single breath. And that's exactly what I did. I didn't want to move, to remember I was alive. I just wanted to vanish, to stop existing. I tried really hard to stop thinking or feeling, in the same way I would stop my muscles from moving. But it doesn't work that way, does it?

The only way to tell that time was actually passing was my hunger. When I could not stand the burn any longer, I would allow them to feed me with whatever they would bring me. I did not question it and did not look at it.

The door opened and someone entered the room. I wasn't looking who it was. I was just a bit surprised to not sense Felix; so he must have stayed outside.

"Bella?" asked a strangely familiar voice.

I searched my memories and tried really hard to match the voice with a person. Since I had become a vampire, my perception of sounds had changed. I could hear every single tune. All my senses had altered, heightened to a degree I could not have imagined before the change. I hated it. I hated the distractions. I wanted calmness, void, darkness. Anything that would help me to keep up the illusion I was not there.

"Bella, sweetheart, I've come to take you home," the voice said. Home? I did not have one. Mine was lost together with my life, my future, Edward. I finally looked in the direction of the voice. I recalled the blond hair and kind amber eyes.

"Carlisle?" I asked, stunned at the sound of my voice. Did I actually say that out loud? Why was my voice so unfamiliar to me? Had I not spoken to anyone for that long?

"Bella, we can go now. Come on, let me take you home."

I stood up from the ground and glanced down at my hands. I smoothed the wrinkles on my clothes and looked around one last time - the cement floor, bare lightbulb at the ceiling, the books piled under the wall. Carlisle reached out for my hand. I took his and we walked outside.

"***"

Two years. I could not believe it had been two years since I boarded the plane to Italy with Alice. Alice. I couldn't think of her right now. I had to focus on my task, which was to walk at human pace and blink and speak when asked a question. Carlisle placed something in my hand and I looked at it with surprise. I raised my brow in a question. _Isabella Brown_?

"We had to change your name," he said. "I'll explain later - let's get going."

I was trying really hard not to bump into anyone as we moved through the airport crowd toward the gates. Once on the plane, I glanced down at my sneakers, stunned that I did not recall putting them on. I could swear I left the castle barefoot.

No one had stopped us on our way from the castle. Felix walked us through the maze of corridors and staircases, up and up, untill I finally saw the sunlight glistening through the windows. We walked past the reception desk where a blonde girl did not even spare a glance at us. Felix took my hand and said something, but I did not pay attention to his words. Then he made a strange move and for a brief moment, I thought he wanted to hug me goodbye. But he collected himself quickly and only bowed to Carlisle. The door behind us closed. Carlisle pulled my hand and led me to the car waiting outside.

The flight attendant announced that in thirty minutes we would be approaching Trudeau International. Montreal?

"Bella." I heard Carlisle's voice next to me. I looked at him and tried to focus on what he was saying. "We live here now. We left Forks right after... We need to talk, but I want us to get home first."

Once we had arrived, Carlisle led us to parking lot and to a small navy blue car. I fastened my seat belt and looked through the window. Everything was so bright. I couldn't keep focused. I remembered the first days after the change when even the sound of dust moving in the air was distracting to me. After some time we reached a road in the woods, at the end of which was a small house - brown walls, traditional windows, grey roof, flowers on the front porch.

I got out of the car and slowly walked toward the door. It took some adjusting, but after all this time I was pretty good at keeping a human pace. Carlisle opened the door in front of me and led me inside. Someone pulled me into a hug and held me tight.

Esme then took my face in her hands and said, "Welcome home, honey. We thought we would never see you again." She was looking at me in astonishment, taking in my new features. I guess I had changed a lot after becoming a vampire. During the tests, I had a chance to look in the mirror but I always tried to avoid it. I was afraid to see my red eyes and the new face that was no longer mine.

"Oh my God, it is you." I heard behind me and turned around to see Rosalie entering the house with Emmett next to her. She stood there and looked at me with a mixture of emotions on her face I couldn't quite grasp. Emmett pulled me into a hug and just said, "Welcome back."

"I know you are not tired, but we thought we could give you a minute to adjust before we start talking," said Esme. "Come, dear, let me show you to your room."

She led me upstairs to a small bedroom, furnished with a light wooden dresser, an armchair, a small table with flowers on it and a bed. I didn't question the purpose of a bed in a room for a vampire. I just sat on it, folded my hands on my knees and looked through the window at the forest behind it.

"***"

"How is she?" I heard Esme ask.

"I don't know." Carlisle sighed. "It's hard to say. She is so withdrawn and guarded. But it's only natural, given what she's been through."

"She can hear us, right?" asked Rosalie.

"I think she does." Carlisle sighed again. "Although I don't know if she pays attention to what we say. On the plane, I had to repeat every question to her a few times before she answered any of them. You must remember that she might not be the Bella we know anymore."

I couldn't recall Carlisle asking me questions on the plane. I was used to drowning myself in my non-existant state so much that I could have missed him talking to me. I had noticed the change of light outside as it turned to darkness and to sunlight again when I heard a quiet tap at my door. A second later, Esme entered the room.

"Bella, are you okay? Can I do something for you? Do you need anything?"

Was I? Did I? I honestly didn't know.

"No, thank you," I said and noticed that Esme must have left the room sometime before I said it and the light outside had changed once more into the evening's soft glow. I stood up, descended the stairs and entered the living room. They all waited there for me.

"Do you need to hunt?" Emmett asked.

Hunt?

"Uh. I don't know," I murmured.

"You certainly look hungry," Emmett said glancing at me. I wondered what he saw. Were my eyes red, brown, black?

"I don't know," I repeated myself. I frowned and added, "I've never done that."

"Done what?" asked Rosalie.

"Hunt," I admitted and heard them gasp in surprise.

"So, how did you...?" Rosalie started. "Never mind. Let's just go and hunt together. Follow me." She was already outside the house. I followed her down the lawn and into the forest. Rosalie started to run, and I was surprised I could keep up with her. I felt the wind and light rain on my face and smelled the leaves and wet wood and mushrooms. I glanced up the trees to see the last rays of light.

"Bella!" I heard Rosalie and felt her tugging my shirt. I guess I must have focused on the light for too long.

"Sorry," I murmured and took off after her again. Soon enough I smelled the blood - or rather the animal. I watched in awe as Rosalie quickly took one deer down in an elegant and effortless way. I closed my eyes and let the instinct lead me. I did not feel the taste of blood, I never had. I just did what I had to do to keep going.

Rosalie glanced at me, and said, "You look better. Let's do another one." I followed her once more.

"***"

We were back in the house before night fell.

"Do you want to take a shower now?" Esme looked at me expectantly. I looked down at myself and saw my clothes were torn and dirty.

"Yes, thank you." I started upstairs when a thought stopped me.

"Jasper?" I asked Esme.

She avoided my gaze. "He left just after he heard about Alice."

If I didn't know any better, I would swear I saw tears in Esme's eyes. I turned and went up the stairs and into the bathroom. I didn't remember the last time I had a shower. Was it possible it was before the change? Nah, no one can go without a shower for two years, not even a vampire whose body does not emit any kind of sweat or fluids.

I stood under the hot spray of water and tried really hard to force Alice's words out of my head back into the dark fog that usually surrounded me.

"Bella, you have to promise me you will take care of Jasper. Promise me that. Otherwise none of the things we do make any sense. Bella, you've got to promise me. And forgive me."

"I promise," I heard myself whisper before I felt her sharp teeth cut deep into my arm, and I cried out with pain.


	2. Let go

Thanks for reading! I see there are some Jasper fans here ;)

This chapter has been beta'd by PTB Betas - **Aniseed** and **Love of Escapism** - thank You so much for your work and help!

I do not own anything Twilight.

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><p><strong>2. Let go<strong>

It was Felix who brought me the news of Alice's death. I didn't know how long it was after my change – keeping up with the time was already hard for me then. For the first days, weeks, maybe months, I was kept in total darkness. I woke up from the physical pain and the burning only to find myself in an emotional hell. I relived _his_ death time and time again, curled up against the wall, as the waves of guilt and despair floated through me.

Felix didn't tell me why or how, but I did not question whether his words were true. The day he came with the news, he brought me a few books and installed a light in my room. I wasn't grateful. I kept myself still with my eyes shut, wishing to disappear. I refused to be fed. I refused to answer their questions. I refused to acknowledge I was even there. Edward was right about one thing – vampires were certainly cursed.

"***"

The water in the shower turned cold but it didn't bother me. I used the soap and shampoo Esme had left for me. When the familiar strawberry scent hit me I almost doubled over with the sudden wave of hurt. I found myself on the floor, on my hands and knees. Vampires cannot cry. This inability of letting go was just another way of reminding me we were cursed.

I scrubbed myself clean and got out. Someone had left me clean clothes on the dresser and I put them on. My hair was damp and dripping water on my shirt but it didn't matter. It wasn't like I could catch a cold or something. I went back to the living room to find Carlisle there alone and I raised my eyes.

"Rosalie and Emmett went home. They don't live with us anymore," said Carlisle. "Esme is hunting. We can talk now in private."

I sat down opposite him and looked at his face closely for the first time since he entered my room at the Volturi's. He looked exactly the same as I remembered. I shouldn't have been surprised about it, but at the same time he was so different, like he'd aged a lot during the last two years.

"Bella, I am so sorry," Carlisle said softly, trying to catch my gaze.

I just stared at him. I was sorry too, I didn't even know where to begin.

"At first we didn't know you were even alive. Aro informed us about Edward, then Alice." He stopped. "You were not mentioned. We just assumed that..."

"I understand," I told him, although I didn't. "The Volturi wouldn't keep a human alive for that long."

"Yes," Carlisle continued. "But then someone from their guard sent us a message claiming he saw you and that you had been turned. It took us more than a year to get to you and convince them to let you go. I am so sorry we could not help you earlier."

He kept looking into my eyes, searching for something. I remembered feeling anger at the beginning. I was so sure they had left me behind. But why should they care anyway?I wasn't their daughter like the others.

"You are our daughter. We wouldn't have left you behind," said Carlisle and I widened my eyes with surprise. Did I just say that out loud or was he simply perceptive?

"I just wanted you to know we did everything we could to get you out of there. But, Aro wouldn't give up on you 'til he was sure you weren't gifted."

"I have nothing," I said. No superpowers, no visions of the future or mindreading, no wicked abilities to inflict pain.

"I wouldn't be so sure about it," Carlisle murmured. Then he took my hand. "I know you are confused right now but it will get better, just stay and let us take care of you, okay?"

Well, what else could I do?

"***"

"Bella, I'm going to town, would you like to join me?" Esme asked.

No matter how many times I refused she would always try again. I couldn't understand why they would keep up the appearances of human life when they obviously were nothing like humans. For me changing clothes, wearing shoes or even cleaning myself up were just fruitless motions. I couldn't be bothered with those.

I spent my days lying on the ground in the forest, watching the sky turn blue and black and grey again. I welcomed the rain since it calmed the outside world even more for me. When the first snow this winter covered the earth and everything went so quiet and peaceful, I felt a little better for the first time since Italy. Though I wished I could melt down along with the snow.

Sometimes, when the hunger would get unbearable, I would hunt. Rosalie tried to go hunting with me at the beginning, but after few times she left me to do it by myself. I wondered why she even came in the first place. She used to hate me so much when I was human. Maybe now, when I was turned against my will, she found she could relate to me. I was sure I noticed pity and guilt within her eyes when she looked at me. I overheard once a discussion about Rosalie being responsible for their deaths. But it was not her fault. It even wasn't mine. I knew that. Though I still felt it.

My phone beeped. Carlisle insisted I should have one but it was rarely charged. Someone must have done it for me because I didn't remember fixing it. It was a text from Esme: _Come home please._

I had not realized Esme had left. I got up and started toward the house.

"***"

Everyone was in the living room, including Rosalie and Emmett who apparently came for a visit. I sat on the couch, noticing that I was dripping water and mud, leaving stains on the carpet and light plush of the cushions.

"We thought you'd like to come with us tomorrow," Carlisle began.

"Where to?" I found myself asking aloud.

On the periphery of my vision I saw Rosalie fidgeting nervously. Huh. That was a strange behavior.

"Well, it's the anniversary. It's been three years now."

Three years? When did the last one pass?

"We go tomorrow to light the candles on Edward's and Alice's graves," Carlisle continued. I knew they had those. They were symbolic, but did that make them any less real?

"What if someone sees me there?" I stuttered. I would be looking at my grave too. People in Forks knew Alice, Edward and I were in car accident. No one survived it. To some extent that was true.

"We will be careful," said Esme, taking my hand in hers. "We will go at night. No one will see you there. Honey, we think it is important for you to go and see it. You must move on."

I did not want to go. I did not want to move on.

"Okay," I said, despite my feelings. I didn't have the strength to argue or deny them anything.

"***"

It was so surreal to look at your own name imprinted on a gravestone. I'd seen it so many times in movies but was not prepared for the feeling of loss for my old life and being out of place. I lit a candle on Edward's and Alice's graves, even said the prayer, but those were just empty phrases. I had said my goodbyes in that dark cellar so long ago.

Suddenly I smelled something strange - strong and unpleasant. I heard a low growl behind me, then some movement and odd shuffling.

"Bella? Is that really you?" I heard a voice which I thought was lost along with my old life.

I turned and looked into the deep brown eyes of my best friend.

"Jake," I heard myself whisper. I fought the urgency to flee. I wasn't sure I was able to face him, not in the state I was in.

He came toward me and to my astonishment pulled me into a tight embrace. It felt like hugging a heater. It felt good.

"God, you smell so bad, but it's so good to see you, finally."

"You knew?" I was stunned.

"Yeah, Carlisle told us right after he'd found you. I'm so sorry I couldn't come to see you. Sam wouldn't let me do that. He doesn't approve contactwith..." he hesitated.

"Leeches," I finished for him and actually smiled a little.

He extended his arms to make some room to examine the new me. "You may smell bad but you sure look pretty," he grinned.

"Uh, thanks." If I could still blush I would have.

"I can't invite you to La Push, you know, but let's go somewhere we can talk, okay?" He pulled my hand and I let him lead me toward the La Push border. His hand in mine felt like fire. We sat on the fallen tree. Jacob was drawing small circles in the ground with a piece of tree branch that he had found.

"I called Carlisle almost every week - did he tell you this? I wanted to speak with you, but he said you weren't ready." Well, I guess I wasn't. I guess I wasn't ready for anything.

"I guessed you would come here today so I just waited in the bushes until you showed up." He smiled.

His smile was just as gorgeous as I remembered. I assessed his features. He seemed even larger that he used to be, his hair was short, he looked so… grown up.

"How are you?" I asked. I felt so ashamed I did not ask Carlisle about Jacob. It wasn't like I didn't care about him anymore. I just didn't care about me and life in general.

"Good, good. Working, finished school, thinking of going to college, ya know?" He looked like he was keeping something from me.

"Charlie?" I asked, feeling even more guilty for not keeping tabs on my own dad. I just knew he was healthy and still working as a cop in Forks.

"He's doing well. Sue's helped him a lot." Jacob was looking at me with concern in his eyes.

I sighed with relief. I was so afraid to hear more about Charlie. It was good he had someone to look after him.

"My dad passed away last year," Jake continued. "It's just me and..."

I raised my brow. And?

"And Leah now." Jacob looked ashamed.

"I am happy for you," I said. I kind of was. He deserved it. "Sorry about your dad."

"It's okay. We are managing."

We sat there for a while and I was afraid I was losing my track on time again, when Jacob stood up.

"I got to get going now," he said. "Please call me sometime, okay?"

"Sure, sure," I said, using his old favorite expression. Maybe I would.

"Oh, did you know that this other Cullen guy was here not that long ago?" Jake asked absentmindedly.

"The other guy?" I frowned.

"Ya know, the blond one? We smelled him near our boarder, followed him for a bit. He didn't seem okay and we were worried he might do something. But he left before we decided what to do with him."

"Jasper was here?" I was still in shock. I knew the family hadn't heard from him since the day they'd found out about Alice. "What do you mean he didn't seem ok?"

Jacob was clearly uncomfortable. "It's hard to say really. He just didn't. He looked... dirty? I mean, the Cullens were always those neat Aspen-look kind of guys. Well, let me tell you, the blond one was far from being neat. And he had this strange demeanor about him. At first we were worried he might attack someone here, but then he was so... I don't know. He just stood there. We did not speak with him. He left toward the Southern La Push boarder almost immediately after we spotted him."

"I have to go," I said and stood up.

I felt the urgent need to go South.


	3. Wake me up

**A/N**

This chapter was beta'd by **PTB** betas - **HollettLA** and **AnthroBug** - thank you so much for the help!

I do not own anything Twilight.

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><p><strong>3. Wake me up<strong>

After my encounter with Jacob, I went back to the cemetery. The family had left, so I just stood there alone for a while, looking at the flickering lights of the candles. I followed their smell to the old Cullen house in the woods. The door was open, so I entered the house without knocking. It felt so strange, and yet so familiar, to be here. Almost nothing had changed in there - all the furniture stood exactly where I remembered, even Edward's piano in the living room. I ran my fingers over the closed lid of the piano, but did not dare to open it.

I sensed Carlisle upstairs, and I climbed the stairs to find him in Edward's room. He was sitting on the small sofa against the window with his face in his hands.

"Carlisle?" I asked softly.

"I'm sorry," he said, his face still buried in his hands. "I'll be with you in a minute."

"It's okay," I assured him. I kneeled next to him and put my hands on his.

"Parents shouldn't bury their children." His voice was muffled.

"I know," I said, not letting him go.

"I know Edward and Alice were not really mine, but they were still my children."

"I know, I'm so sorry," I repeated myself. "It's all my fault; I shouldn't have jumped off that damn cliff in the first place." I felt a wave of self-hatred swallowing me.

"No. It's not, and you know it. Carlisle disagreed with me. "It was his decision to leave Forks in the first place. He would have gone to the Volturi no matter what you did. It was just a matter of time. Edward didn't want to live in a world without you."

"But how could he leave me all alone? How could he choose death – his and mine - over our future together?" I asked Carlisle the questions I had been asking myself for the last three years.

"I can't say I understand his decision, Bella," Carlisle said. "Edward was alone for more than a hundred years. I guess he never accepted his life as a vampire; he perceived it as a curse and didn't want you to be cursed as well. He wasn't able to draw joy out of the small things in life, like others in our family. He took everything so seriously. I suspect hearing the thoughts of others did not help him adapt to the world. You were the first one to get through his defenses; but even with you, he never let go. There was nothing you could do to change his mind. But you must believe me when I tell you he loved you."

"I know." I sighed. "I didn't believe it at first; I thought it was just his guilt that led him to the Volturi, but Alice explained some things to me before she bit me."

I heard a loud intake of breath. "Alice changed you?"

"Yes, haven't I told you that?" I was surprised he didn't know.

"No," he said. "Bella, I don't think you realize you actually haven't really spoken to us since your return. You answer our simple questions sometimes, but that's all. Today is the first time we had an actual conversation. You never told us what exactly happened in Italy. We know only bits and pieces and tried to solve the puzzle the best we could."

"I..." I started but didn't know what to say.

"We don't have to talk about it now," Carlisle assured me. "I don't want you to relive the things that happened there if you don't feel ready. Especially here, in Edward's room. I just want you to understand we cannot help you unless you let us in. You are becoming more and more like him, you know? It's almost frightening how much you two are alike. And you are so different from the human I used to know. Please do not close yourself up the way Edward did. We've lost him and don't want to lose you, too."

I thought about his words and felt ashamed that I was inflicting more pain on him and our family than I already had.

"Do you know why did Alice decided to change you? Did she say anything? Did she see something?" asked Carlisle.

I went back in my memory to the few days in the small room under the Volterra, when I was still human and I was locked up together with Alice. I was literally going crazy there. I had lost Edward - this time forever. I saw him die. I could not think of anything else. Alice held me in her arms until I was shivering with cold. She was quiet and intently thinking about something. From time to time, she would whisper some words of encouragement to me. She seemed to consider different scenarios in her head, try out decisions and their possible outcomes. Little did I know they would involve her death. Suddenly she relaxed, so I gathered that she must have made a final decision. I was sure she'd found a way out for herself. I didn't care about me anymore - I just wanted her safe. Well, it turned out the other way around.

"I don't know," I replied to Carlisle. "She was so calm and collected. I don't understand that. How could she be so peaceful when she knew she wouldn't get out of there? She made me promise to take care of Jasper _for her_. How could she leave Jasper? How could she give up on him just the way Edward gave up on me?" Since Jacob had told me Jasper was in Forks, I couldn't stop thinking about it and about what I should do.

Carlisle stood up. "I don't know that, but I've always had faith in Alice. You should too," he said and with that, our conversation was over. "Come on, let me take you home. Oh, and here – these are yours." He handed me a small box. I opened it to find the things Edward had taken from me when he left – pictures, CDs - they were all there.

"How did you...?" I whispered.

"Edward hid them in your room under the floor. I thought you would like to have them back."

I wished so hard I could still cry.

"***"

During the next few days I was trying really hard to not lose myself in my no-time state again and to live the family's life. It was just so difficult to focus on anything. How could Carlisle go to work at the hospital every day and having conversations with his coworkers and patients? How could Esme visit interior design stores and care about the color of a curtain? Rosalie and Emmett were living not far away, and both were attending some college for the nth time. _That_ I couldn't understand most of all. Why should I endure long hours of the stupid chatter of others? But I was trying hard and finally managed to distinguish one day from the other.

I was constantly thinking of my promise to Alice and her motivations. Maybe she was wrong? Maybe I misunderstood? Maybe she meant she wanted Jasper to take care of me? I vaguely recalled that he was supposed to be skilled with dealing with newborn vampires – maybe she meant that? But Alice was rarely wrong, and her words were pretty clear. That meant something bad was going to happen to Jasper, and I had to help him. I didn't know what I could do to help anyone, but I had to at least check up on him.

That evening, after Carlisle came back from the hospital, I knocked on his door.

"Carlisle, I have to ask you about Jasper," I said.

Carlisle glanced at me with astonishment. I was dressed in fresh clothes, had my shoes on, and I had even brushed my hair and pulled it in a ponytail. That was the most I had done with myself since becoming a vampire.

"What do you want to know?" he asked.

"Do you know where he is now?"

"He doesn't really check in with us anymore." Carlisle sighed. "Last time we heard from him, it was last September, and he was somewhere near Dallas. We haven't had any news from him since. I know he was in Forks, but he didn't contact us. Why?"

"I need to see him," I admitted. "I have to. I promised that to Alice."

"I'll ask Emmett to help you track him down. I wanted to give him as much space as he needed, but I'm worried about him. Esme wants him back home, too. Maybe you'll be able to convince him to come back." He smiled.

"I'll do what I can," I promised.

"***"

It turned out Jasper was no longer in Texas. I flew with Emmett to Dallas the week after my conversation with Carlisle. I still found it difficult to move around people; I kept forgetting to fidget and breathe, and I had troubles hiding my speed or strength, but Emmett was doing his best to mask my slips. After reaching Dallas, I stayed in a motel outside the city limits, while Emmett tried to find any trace of Jasper. After a few days of fruitless searching, Emmett finally came back with some news.

"Hi, beautiful." He grinned at me. "I think I've found someone who saw Jasper. She is not sure about it, but it seems like he's moved someplace to Georgia, near Atlanta. Claudia says she saw him there, outside the city, last month. She spoke with him, but he said he was in a hurry and took off for the woods. Anyway, we should try to board a plane and check it out. Let's move on."

We took a plane to Atlanta and then the MARTA train from the airport and toward the suburbs. I saw rows of identical houses and elegant mansions, meadows and golf clubs and small forests. I wondered why Jasper would pick this place out of all places in the world. It took us next few days to locate him but finally Emmett was sure he had found him, as he caught Jasper's smell in the woods near a local horse ranch.

"Now what?" Emmett asked me. "Do you want me to hunt him down for you and drag him home?" He chuckled.

"No, of course not," I said. "Now, you leave me here and go back to Rosalie. I'll contact you guys as soon as I can. I have a phone and everything..."

"Ahhh." Emmett was clearly not okay with this. "Bella, I promised Carlisle I would take care of you. I can't go back home without you now."

"I'll be okay," I assured him, although I was scared to death. I hadn't been alone and responsible for myself since my change.

It took some convincing, a few phone calls, and another few worried texts, but finally they let me stay on my own. Emmet and I said our goodbyes and he took off for the airport.

"***"

I waited for twilight before I stood up and started toward the woods. It did not take me long before I reached a small clearing. In the dim light, I managed to spot a grey figure curled up against a rock. He was sitting there motionless, with his head on his knees. His face was covered with tangled, dirty-blond hair. I took a few more steps toward him and opened my mouth to speak, but hesitated.

"What do you want?" I heard him hiss, before the strongest wave of hatred and anger I'd ever felt forced me to my hands and knees on the damp forest ground.


	4. Stillness in time

**A/N**

Many thanks to amazing PTB betas -** furious kitten** and **SqueakyZorro** for working on this chapter!

I do not own anything Twilight.

* * *

><p><strong>4. Stillness in time<strong>

I lay on the ground, not able to move, crashed with the next wave of emotions.

"Bella?" he whispered, astounded. I felt a wave of shock, and then overwhelming sadness and despair. It was like a black hole sucking me inside, covering my eyes and limbs, and knocking me to the ground. I was sure I was going to implode.

It was all darkness. I stopped existing for a while, until I felt a delicate brush of fingers on my arm, and a wave of calm hugged me tight. The sadness, the anger, the despair – they were all there, just dulled like an ache after a muscle contraction. In the dim evening light, I looked up and saw a pair of black eyes boring into me before I closed my eyes again.

"It hurts," I gasped. I still couldn't move; I lay curled up on my side.

"I'm so sorry," he said quietly, almost inaudibly. "I didn't want to crash on you like that. It wasn't directed toward you. I thought it was... And then I realized it was you. It's just that seeing you... How is it possible, that it is you?"

"Uh, Carlisle came for me and brought me home." I was trying to fight the fog surrounding me as I pulled myself up a little. My head was swirling and I had trouble keeping my eyes open.

"But... I was sure you..." He was on his knees, still so close to me I could almost feel his breath on my hair.

"Yeah." I sighed, still not looking at him directly. "I did not. And here I am. Like this." I motioned to my body with disgust. Jasper moved back suddenly and I felt nauseous, which surprised me as I didn't know vampires could experience that feeling... my hands had even started to shake.

"Bella, I can't... I can't control myself the way I used to. That's why I keep my distance from all of them. I can't do that to them, to anybody, project my emotions like that; I must deal with it myself. You should leave me alone."

I glanced at him. He was leaning against the rock again, eyes half-closed, mouth opened, and his long legs stretched out.

"Okay," I agreed. "Just let me sit here for a while - I feel so tired." It was true - I felt exhausted, even though I knew it wasn't really possible. I moved a bit and put my back against the rock next to him with my legs curled under me. I closed my eyes and let myself drown for a moment in the void.

"***"

"I need to hunt." I looked around. A few hours must have passed, since the sky was totally dark. Clouds were covering it - no moon, no stars, almost total darkness.

"Okay," I said. "Go on. I'll just wait here 'til you're done."

"Bella, are you all right?" I think I felt his hand on mine but might have imagined it. It was so surreal. When I was human, I didn't have a chance to sit so close to Jasper, not to mention any kind of touch. But now I was not human anymore.

"Yeah, I'm good. Why?" I asked.

"I don't know." He shrugged. I didn't see it really, just felt the movement in the darkness. "You haven't moved, or spoken, for the last few days. For a moment I was sure you'd left, but you were still here. I've never been around anyone who wouldn't emit any kind of emotions. It's like, I don't know, I can sense you, but it's like floating in a room full of cotton, or being underwater - it's all muffled."

His words reminded me of Edward and the way he loved that my mind was closed to him. He claimed he was resting with me. I fisted my hands and felt my fingernails digging deep into my palms.

"Ah, don't do that," Jasper pleaded. I forgot he could feel what I was experiencing.

"Sorry." I tried to get my mind on track and stop reliving the loss of Edward. "I know I said I would stay just for a little while. But you see, since my change I've been having some trouble keeping track of time. You know, all that not sleeping and not having to move and stuff. So one moment I do something and the next - it's a week or a month later." I was plucking nervously on a strand of grass.

"Actually, I didn't mind your presence," he admitted. "I felt calm for the first time in a long time. Please stay just for a while longer, okay? But I really need to hunt now. Don't you?"

"Um, I don't know. I can, I guess." I stood up and straightened my clothes. While doing that, I felt a small object in my pocket. _Shit._ I promised Emmett that I would call. I looked at the screen, but it was dark, as the battery was dead. Well, I would call them once I got the chance.

The woods here were different from the Canadian ones I got used to by while living with the Cullens, but it was easy to track a lone deer. I felt better like always after feeding, even though as usual I was not a hundred percent aware of the exact process of me feeding. Maybe I was denying the new me. From the state of my clothes, bloodied and torn, I could tell I wasn't as skilled as Rosalie. I thought I should clean myself up since the smell of drying blood was making me nauseous again.

"***"

I went back to the rock to find Jasper already there. He was sitting cross-legged, his back straight and head up. In the light glow of sunrise, I took the time to look at him closely for the first time. I almost gasped when I realized that his whole face, neck, and arms were covered in crescent scars. I knew well what they were from. I had a lot of those, too, on my arms and legs. I felt anger at those who gave him his scars, at those who gave me mine. Jasper looked at me questioningly, and I collected myself. I glanced at him again. He seemed so young. I think I never actually noticed that when I knew him before. He looked like a boy - with a beautiful face, soft lips, and blond curls falling down over his eyes. He never took his eyes off me, clearly examining my new appearance, too.

"You are so different," he finally said.

"I guess changing into a vampire does that to you." I shrugged.

"That's not what I meant." He frowned. "Your whole emotional pattern has changed. It's like you are the old Bella, and you are not at the same time. It's hard to explain. And it's not all about the change. I knew many people before and after the change – their patterns were pretty much stable."

I thought he was right. I was the old me and I wasn't. Sometimes I couldn't even find myself in me anymore. Especially during the periods of "time loss."

"I need to clean up," I said.

"There is a stream around here." He hesitated. "But if you mean a real shower and clean clothes, we would have to get back to town."

"I don't really want to go anywhere. I don't care about the clothes - I just cannot stand the smell of blood on me. I'll try the stream." I smiled at him, and he smiled back a little. It felt like sunlight.

"***"

I went back to Jasper after cleaning myself up. The water was freezing, so if I were still a human, I wouldn't have entered, but it wasn't a problem now. I stood there, letting the small whirls tickle my calves. I didn't take off my clothes so they were damp and cold now, but it didn't feel really bad. I sat next to Jasper, closed my eyes and let myself lose time again. Only this time I did it with full awareness of my intentions.

I was "waking up" and drowning again in nothingness, but every time I opened my eyes, I saw him next to me, still leaning against that rock - legs stretched out and arms relaxed. He looked peaceful. We hunted once more, even though I did not feel really thirsty. We didn't speak with each other much. I didn't want to answer his questions about what had happened, and I guess he didn't want to hear the answers either. What was the point, anyway? We couldn't turn back time, no matter how hard we wished for it.

It was dark and starting to rain pretty heavily when Jasper asked me if I wanted to get out of the woods. I didn't really care; I was okay with sitting in the rain as long as I didn't have to do anything. Even brushing my hair from my face felt like such an effort.

"Come on," Jasper said. "Let's find someplace warm and dry."

"Okay," I agreed.

I followed him out of the woods. We reached a road and walked along it until we got to a small town nearby. Jasper led me towards some buildings. It was the middle of the night, so all the lights were out. I glanced at the sign of a golf club and an inn. _Huh._

"Do you have any money on you?" Jasper asked.

"Uh, no." I hadn't had any money or credit cards since I was human. I even didn't have an ID. I had a passport Carlisle had given me, but I must have left it in the house.

"I thought so." He chuckled. "Me neither. Come on!"

That night was the first time we broke into a hotel. The inn was silent and reception was closed. From the front door we saw a dim flickering light of a TV. We moved soundlessly toward the small guest houses at the back and found an empty one. Jasper opened a window, and we sneaked inside. We did not turn the lights on - I was used to darkness and Jasper seemed to not mind it either. He sat on the bed while I went into the bathroom. As usual, I avoided looking in the mirror. I stripped quickly and got into the shower. I stood under the hot water until I warmed up, then used the shampoo and soap and dried myself with a thick towel. I wrapped a big one around me and went back to the room.

Jasper was lying on the bed with his legs stretched out and arms behind his head. He glanced at me and patted the bed next to him. It was soft and comfortable. I stretched myself out, too, and enjoyed the smell of the shampoo in my hair. Jasper went to shower and came back in a while, wearing a hotel bathrobe. He got back on the bed and started looking at the hotel guide in the dim light from the window.

"What would you like for breakfast?" he asked and smiled at me.

"Coffee would be nice." I smiled back. "With sugar… And maybe some bagels," I added. I thought about it more. "And peanut butter."

"Okay, and peanut butter it is," he said, drawing a "v" in the checkbox on the page.

We didn't speak any more, just stayed there enjoying the warmth of the room and the calmness of each other. When dawn approached, we both took our turns in the bathroom to get dressed and sneaked out of the room the same way we got in.

We walked to the gas station nearby and Jasper stole a road map. We sat outside the shop on some plastic chairs, laid the map down on the table and bowed our heads looking at it. Then Jasper circled the next hotel a little farther north.


	5. Walkabout

**A/N**

I do not own anything Twilight.

Bella sipping coffee belongs to LolaShoes. Hope she won't mind, I'm just playing ;)

Jasper's dimple belongs to Touchstone67.

Many thanks to amazing PTB betas - **SqueakyZorro** and **Love of Escapism **for the work on this chapter!

* * *

><p><strong>5. Walkabout<strong>

It was cloudy, so we could walk during the daylight. However, people were still looking at us suspiciously. Perhaps it was because our clothes were so dirty and torn. We must have looked like adolescent junkies. We found a Wal-Mart nearby and Jasper went to the clothes department while I searched for a charger for my phone. We got rid of security tags on the items and exited the store. In a nearby McDonald's bathroom I changed my clothes and charged the phone. When it finally came to life it showed sixteen new text messages and missed calls. Mostly they were from Carlisle, Esme and Emmett, asking me if I was okay and urging me to contact with them, but there was also one from Jacob and one from a number I didn't recognize.

I texted Carlisle back, saying I was all right and would check in with him as soon as I could. It took only a minute before the phone rang and I saw Carlisle's name on the screen. I sighed. I really didn't feel like talking to him now, but I answered anyway. At least I owed him that.

"Hi, Carlisle. I'm sorry I haven't been in contact with you earlier. My phone went dead and I didn't have the charger."

"We were so worried about you," Carlisle said with mixture of relief and anger in his voice.

"I know. I'm sorry. I will be checking up with you more often."

"Aren't you coming home?" I could hear that Carlisle was worried and maybe even a bit angry with me.

"Um. Not yet. I just... I need some more time," I stuttered. There was a moment of silence.

"Okay," he finally said. "Just please call us often, okay? And - is Jasper with you?"

"Yes," I answered.

"Please tell him that I'm worried about him, and that Esme misses him badly and wants to see him." I knew by the tone of his voice that it wasn't only Esme who missed him.

"Okay, I will tell him, and I will call you soon. Bye, Carlisle." I really wanted this conversation to end now.

"Bye, Bella," he said and ended the call.

I glanced in the mirror above the sink to check if my clothes were all right, and as usual I was shocked to see my new face: pale skin, tangled hair, bruises under my eyes, and my irises a deep brown, not black yet but not liquid amber either. I guessed it was better than the red color which they had in the beginning. Now I almost looked like the old me. Almost.

I left the restroom to find Jasper.

"You look better," he said. I agreed. The clothes were a little too big for me but surely were better than the dirty ones I had previously worn. I told him that much.

"I didn't really know what size you wear," he admitted. "It was always Alice who bought our..." He stopped suddenly, realizing what he just said. I immediately felt like I was drowning in a sea of despair and managed to gasp, "Jasper, please don't..." before he collected himself enough for me to breathe again. I pushed myself from the wall and we went outside.

That night we couldn't sneak into the hotel since it was packed, so we stayed on the hotel's roof instead, lying on our backs, looking at the lights of the town reflecting in the sky, and listening to the sounds of people walking on the streets, talking, and eating, and to the humming of cars passing by.

"***"

The next morning, we followed the road out of town and reached a small diner. I pulled at Jasper's sleeve, and he allowed me to lead him inside. We sat in a booth, and when the waitress came, I ordered some pancakes with maple syrup and a coffee. Jasper looked at me with surprise and ordered a coffee as well.

"Carlisle called and asked me to say hi from them. Said Esme misses you," I told him and Jasper nodded in acknowledgement.

I started playing with the packages of sugar and salt sitting in the small containers on the table. I tore one of them into shreds before I even realized I was holding it in my fingers. Sometimes I really forgot about my strength. Maybe it was because I never really got the chance to test it.

The waitress came back with coffees and insert "a" plate of pancakes for me. I inhaled the sweet scent of syrup. Human food should repel me but to me it smelled delicious. I hesitated, before I leaned down to the plate and licked the syrup from the top pancake.

"WHAT on earth are you doing?" Jasper was looking at me wide-eyed and shocked.

I tasted the syrup on my tongue. It was nothing as I expected it to be. It was sweet, but at the same time it was tasteless. I spat it out before wiping my tongue with the back of my hand. I was disgusted. I must have looked pretty stupid at that moment since Jasper's mouth corners started to pull up in a smile, and suddenly he was laughing out loud, his head up and blond waves falling off his face, exposing his eyes. I stared at him with awe, thinking how beautiful he was with the little dimple in the cheek and white teeth and all.

"Oh my God, Bella, what were you thinking?" He chuckled, shaking his head.

"Pfff." I huffed, pretending to be offended, when I really wasn't. Actually I could eat and choke on the whole plate of pancakes just to hear him laugh like that again.

"It smelled nice," I murmured defensively.

I took a whiff of the coffee - it was also inviting, but I didn't dare to try it out, so I just sat leaning over it with my mouth opened.

"Please don't tell me you are actually going to try the coffee now," Jasper said incredulously.

"Nah, not really." I scrunched my nose.

We left the diner without paying and I kind of felt bad about it. It was one thing to spend a night in a hotel, or pilfer a tee shirt in a Wal-Mart, but it felt wrong to leave the waitress to deal with our receipt. But on the other hand - maybe it wasn't that different after all?

Jasper must have felt the same way, or he sensed my guilt, because once we were on our way he said, "I'll try to get some money, okay?"

"Uh huh," I agreed. "I guess we are vicious vampires after all."

"Yes, I guess we are." He laughed. I really couldn't get enough of this sound and the view of his face lighting up. I guess before my change I had never paid attention to how beautiful he looked smiling like that and since I'd found him he didn't laugh at all.

"Where to now?" He looked at me expectantly.

I didn't realize it was up to me? I guess my goal had been to get to the family, but now I wasn't so sure about it.

"I don't know," I admitted. "Can we just wander about for a few days? You know, like go walkabout?"

"Walkabout?" He grinned.

"Something like that." I nodded. But then I thought better of it. "Actually, we could do Phoenix... maybe?" I really wanted to check on my mom and knew from Carlisle she had moved back there once Phil had finished his contract in Florida.

"I don't know if this is such a good idea." He frowned. "But okay, if you want to, let's do that. Could we just take a little detour? I don't want to pass through Texas, if that's okay?" he said cryptically. I didn't care which way we got there.

"***"

The summer was starting and it certainly wasn't the best time of the year for vampires travelling in the daylight, so we decided to walk during the night and spend the sunny days somewhere hidden. This usually meant the woods or abandoned houses, which were not that uncommon here. More often than not, they were totally empty, but sometimes there would be some furniture left. We sat on the floor and looked at small pieces of dust swirling in the heated air. Other times, it rained and our hair curled from the humidity, and the wind brought the green smell of forests by the river.

After the summer storms began, we could walk during the day again, and we stayed a little closer to the cities. On one such cloudy morning, Jasper asked for work on a local farm, and we lingered nearby for the next few days, waiting for the storms to end. That turned out well – we finally had some money for clothes at least. So we repeated the pattern. While Jasper worked on farms I searched for a place to spend the night, although I really didn't mind staying in the woods. Sometimes I found some work too, usually waiting tables during the evenings in local bars. I didn't have a security number or an ID, but still it wasn't impossible to find a job.

During the nights we never talked about anything in particular - we just sat next to each other and kind of enjoyed the presence of another human being, or a vampire to be specific. For the first time since my change, I actually started to feel a little bit like the old me - maybe even an old me from before the time Edward had left me. When I was starting to think about _him,_ Jasper detected the shift of my mood immediately and always tried to divert my attention with some random questions - and sometimes it worked.

I wish it worked the other way around too, but it didn't. When it happened to Jasper, he just sat still, eyes closed and hands clenched, while I fought the waves of nausea, anger, and then despair and depression coming from him. In those times, I just tried to breathe and calm myself for long enough to curl up against him and lose myself in the nothingness of my no-time. Hours would pass, maybe even days. When I opened my eyes, Jasper had gone to work already, or if it was night - to hunt. I never hunted with him, since I still hated the smell of blood and the process itself. It just felt so awkward and exposing.

If we felt the need of a hot shower and fresh linens to lie on, we searched for a motel - never checking in, always sneaking into rooms after dusk and moving out before dawn, leaving money under a pillow.

"***"

It turned out we had managed to save enough money to buy a car. It was an old Toyota Camry, but it worked fine and we had a place to store the few piece of clothing and other belongings we had. I bought a few more items suitable for the summer weather in order to not distinguish myself from the other young girls working in local bars.

The first time I put them on, I totally forgot about the crescent marks on my arms and legs and accidentally let Jasper see them. When I exited the bathroom in a tank top and shorts, Jasper glanced at me and widened his eyes in recognition. As usual when he was surprised, his emotional guard went down a bit, and I could feel what he was experiencing. I was expecting pity and disgust, but I surely didn't expect anger and sorrow, and something else that I couldn't define. It was a warming and chest-clenching feeling. But then Jasper glanced down at my almost bare legs and his mood shifted. If I didn't know better, I would swear I felt lust.

"Why would they do that to you?" he whispered. I didn't even have to ask what he was referring to.

"They wanted to check if I had a gift. Like you, or... Edward, or Alice," I said, my voice flat. "I guess when nothing else worked they thought that inflicting physical pain on me would force the gift out, or something. But there wasn't any to force out. I don't have anything special in me."

"You are wrong," he said. He leaned down and brushed my hair from my face. I liked the gentle touch of his fingers on my skin. It felt warm and familiar. It was nothing like the jolts of energy I had experienced with Edward, or the heat and reassurance of Jacob's hug, but it just felt so right.


	6. Down

**A/N**

Thank you **SqueakyZorro** and **Love****of****Escapism **for the beta-work on this chapter!

And thank you all for the kind words and reviews, it is so great to hear them!

I do not own anything Twilight.

* * *

><p><strong>6.<strong>**Down**

Summer was slowly coming to an end and due to our constant stops, by the time we reached Oklahoma City, it was already late August. It was still hot though, and we kept the car's windows down, our hair tousling in the wind. Usually Jasper drove, while I put my legs on the dashboard and watched the grass and forests pass by. We tried to stay away from the main roads, having no driving licenses or any ID whatsoever.

I didn't know if it was the intimacy of the small car space or the familiarity of the highways and driving, but I felt more at ease with Jasper now than I ever did. We talked a little bit more about nothing in particular, and Jasper occasionally turned on the radio and even hummed to some songs while tapping his fingers lightly on the wheel.

That newly found closeness was probably the reason why - once I saw a road sign for Dallas - I dared to ask Jasper, "What's in Texas?"

He didn't answer - he just kept his eyes focused on the road, his left hand on the wheel, and the other lying on the armrest between us. I had given up on my question when suddenly he actually started talking - and not just answering with a few words as usual. He glanced at me, seemed to make up his mind about something, took a deep breath and began. It was like a flood of words. He told me about his life before the change, his career in the army, Maria, vampire wars and training newborns, about Peter and Charlotte, the depression he experienced, and finding Alice in the end.

His eyes never left the road, his voice was calm as usual and his emotions were guarded closely, as always. If I didn't know any better, I would say he was okay. But little things I already recognized - like jaw clenching and curling his fingers so tight in a fist I was sure they would leave fingernails imprints in his skin - that showed he was anything but. I hesitated and then put my hand on his on the armrest, prying open his fist and entwining our fingers together. Once again I felt the warmth of his skin and hoped I could offer him the same comfort he offered me.

"***"

We drove in silence after that, the sun slowly setting and the smell of the air changing.

Suddenly, I remembered something.

"Jasper?" I started. "After all that, why did you stay in Texas last year?"

"I didn't... How did you know?" He looked embarrassed.

"Emmett told me. That's where we started looking for you, you know? By the way, who is Claudia?"

If I suspected Jasper was embarrassed before, now I had no doubt about it. He was practically squirming on the seat, and if he could still blush, I was sure he would be as red as a beetroot.

"Uh, she's a... an acquaintance," he muttered.

"How come she knew where you were?" I grilled. I really didn't want to pry but somehow couldn't contain myself. I wanted to know what had happened.

"She and I had a..." His voice was almost inaudible.

"A what?" I raised my eyebrows.

"A fling," he finally admitted. "After Alice... I didn't know what to do. I thought that maybe... It would at least distract me... That I could feel better for at least a moment."

He kept his head down and his face was hidden from me with his hair. I wanted to laugh since it wasn't that big of a deal after all, but so much shame was flowing from him towards me that I actually felt bad for even asking the question. To him, it was a big deal.

"Jasper?" I started softly. "I'm not judging you, you know? It's okay."

"No, it's not," he said quietly.

He leaned his head even lower. He looked like he was crying. I felt the dull ache, guilt, shame and the feeling of loss coming from him and my chest clenched.

"Let's stop for a minute," I offered.

Jasper turned at the next exit and parked by the side of the road.

"***"

We decided to go to Phoenix without any more stops. We reached the city in the evening and actually checked in a motel. I didn't know what Jasper did to achieve that without any ID, but we officially had the room for ourselves. It reminded me of the time when I was running from James, and I stayed with Jasper and Alice in a hotel room in Phoenix just like this one. It seemed like it was a thousand years ago, in another life. I guess, it kind of was.

Anyway, it was nice to sit in the lighted room for once and even turn on the TV. We sat on the bed together while I zipped through channels, and we watched nothing in particular - just some fragments of shows and news.

I waited for the night to fall before I would go to my old house, since it would be a disaster if Renee spotted me. Jasper was anxious about me going alone there, but I wanted to do that by myself. I knew there would be an opened window in the kitchen and I sneaked in. I moved soundlessly through the house and got to their bedroom. They were asleep - Renee on her side, Phil on his back with his arms extended. Her face in the dim light of the bedroom looked like she hadn't aged at all. I noticed a photo frame on the nightstand beside the bed. It was a photo of us together - alive, and smiling. I stood there for what seemed like ages, just looking at her. Saying goodbye to the last thread that held me to the old me.

And then something cracked inside me. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't go on. I fled from the room, and from the house - down the streets and out of the town. I remembered an abandoned bungalow we had passed by just a day ago and hid myself in it. I tried really hard to find my solace in the no-time, but I couldn't.

I should have known he would find me immediately, but I just didn't care. Actually, he let me be for the first few days. When he finally entered the dusty space, I was lying there on the ground. My limbs were so heavy, I didn't have the strength to move them. I didn't have the strength to open my eyes. And no matter how hard I wanted it, I couldn't find my no-time place - I was counting every fucking minute.

Jasper lay down next to me and pulled me into his arms. He held me tight, burying his face in my hair. However, I didn't have it in me to even squeeze his hand or thank him. In so many ways it was a vicious circle – without my ability to get lost in time Jasper could feel my depression, and he, on the other hand, just couldn't make it better. He finally let me out of his arms, his hands landing with a heavy thud on the floor. And days just passed by once more.

"***"

My thoughts felt tired and useless, but that didn't mean I wasn't thinking. I was reliving time and time again the loss of my love, my life, family, and my future. I shouldn't exist. The only reason I still tried to go on was my promise. The sense of guilt added to my torture. I did nothing to help Jasper. I promised Alice I would take care of him and I failed. I was a selfish, egocentric bitch. All that time I was only thinking about myself. Me, me, me. My emotions. My loss. I never considered that maybe he had lost so much more.

Sure, Edward was my first and true love, but we'd been together only for a short period of time. Sure, I lost my human life, but it wasn't that perfect anyway. I once even longed for becoming a vampire.

But for Jasper the loss of Alice must have been like losing his light. After he had told me about his previous life in Texas, I admired how he could go on and still have hope. But he did, and then Alice found him. If he could do it, I certainly had no excuses not to at least try. Try hard. For him - just as I promised.

I opened my eyes and turned my head toward him. The sunlight came from between the shutters, shining on his face. I thought he looked like an angel, his hair falling down, face motionless, and long eyelashes throwing shadows under his eyes. He was so still, not even breathing.

I pushed myself up on my elbows and hovered above him. I cupped his cheek gently with my hand, but he didn't react in any way.

"Jasper?" My voice seemed so distant. "Jasper, I'm so sorry. Open your eyes, please."

I stared at the sunrays, gathered any strength I had in me and started thinking about the best times in my life, focusing on little pieces of happiness - like reading my favorite book, sunbathing on my terrace, eating pasta, or feeling the warm summer grass under my hands and feet. I filled myself with as many happy feelings I could find and then tried to push them toward him.

My hand was still resting on his cheek. I moved my fingers and traced the line of his eyelids, eyebrows, then down to his lips and up again. I stroked his hair, running my fingers through the tangled curls.

I thought of him driving the car, humming the songs, with his long arms on the wheel. I needed him, and I wanted to help him. Not because I promised, but because I cared about him.

"Jasper." I tried again. "Please, come back to me. I can't do it without you. I'm so sorry I was so selfish. I will be strong for you, I promise."

I decided to shake him, but before I did he finally opened his eyes and looked at me. He had given up - I could see it. I did this to him. I destroyed any progress we'd made on our way here. Jasper had warned me about going to Phoenix and I didn't listen. Now I had to mend it.

I took a deep breath. "Jasper, please, honey, come on, let's go and hunt together, okay?" I offered, surprised I actually invited him to _hunt_ together.

Slowly, his totally black eyes focused on me. I smiled at him with all that I had in me. I let go of his face, grasped his hand tightly and then pulled us up. We stood in the middle of the caravan, looking at each other. I was still smiling lightly. And even though he did not reciprocate, in that moment I knew he would get better. We would get better. Even if it took ages to get there.


	7. Winter

**A/N**

Great thanks to **SAVAGEGRACEx (FlowerChild67)** and PTB amazing betas - **SqueakyZorro** and **LoveofEscapism - **for beta work on this chapter!

And thank you for the kind words and reviews, it is so great to hear them!

I do not own anything Twilight.

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><p><strong>7. Winter<strong>

We had to move a little bit up to the mountains in order to hunt. Jasper was moving incredibly slowly, and I practically had to drag him all the way up. I was hoping that after he'd spotted some animals he would finally react, but instead he hunted in such an absentminded way that I became really worried about him. I hadn't seen him in such a state yet. He clearly was not okay, and no matter how hard I wanted to stay strong for him and not give in to my depression again, it wasn't that easy. Unfortunately, there was no magical cure that would just mend me or him in an instant.

I understood that it wasn't only seeing my mom that brought me down so bad - it was that by reaching my goal to see her, I was left with nothing. One could argue that now I had an even better goal – helping Jasper - but it was distant and vague. So I tried to focus on small things, like what we were going to do next, since we couldn't just stay in Arizona forever.

After the hunt I made Jasper go back with me to the caravan and had him wait there until I retrieved our car from a parking lot in Phoenix. I got Jasper in the car, and I sat there to think over our next steps.

"Jasper, is there anywhere you'd like to go?" I asked him, although I was pretty sure he didn't care.

"No," he murmured. I sighed. Well, I was going to decide for him.

"Okay," I said slowly. "How about we go see the ocean, and then we'll find out what to do next? I've never been to San Francisco – maybe we could go there?"

"Sure," he agreed. I sighed again. That was as much as I could get from him for now.

"***"

Stopping only to refill our tank of gas, we reached Oakland about twelve hours later. Throughout the ride I left Jasper to his thoughts. He didn't emit any kind of negative emotions so I took it as a good sign and didn't try to push him.

I found a dull-looking motel by the road and did my best to talk the desk clerk to let us in without an ID. I actually felt strangely tired and really didn't want to sneak in anywhere that night. I was about to give up when the man at the reception desk winked at me and finally gave us the key without any further questions. He must have thought we were having an affair or something. I was a little embarrassed as I glanced at Jasper, but his face was blank and I couldn't tell if he felt it, too.

We walked into the room and took our turns in the shower. Humans would just go to sleep, but we were not humans and we were not really tired, at least not physically. We didn't have to eat or use the toilet; we even didn't have to lie down to rest. But we did anyway - he lay on the bed on his side, curled up a little, with his eyes closed. I got into bed next to him, pressing myself into his back, wrapped my arms around him and buried my nose in his hair, closing my eyes to indulge myself with the illusion of sleep. After a while I felt his arm grasp mine; oddly, his hands felt a little bit cold, so I covered us with the comforter.

"***"

The next two days were so sunny that we couldn't go out, but I didn't mind that. We stayed on the bed, pretending to sleep at first, then watched TV for a little while. But mostly we just played with our fingers entwined with each other's. I traced the muscles on his forearms and he did the same with the lifeline on the palm of my hand. I wondered if he was thinking the same thing I did: that this line should, I don't know, just end abruptly somewhere in the middle? I remembered holding Edward's hand i our meadow, how he relished my touch, and I hoped Jasper liked it as well. After all, I wasn't a warm human anymore.

After I was done with his hands, I started playing with his hair, curling and uncurling the blond locks around my fingers. They felt soft and silky. I loved them. If it were up to me I could spend the rest of my eternal life doing just that; it was so calming and soothing. Jasper must have felt that, too, as he closed his eyes again and smiled a little.

I really didn't want to leave that small motel room, but the next day was rainy, and we could go outside freely. We were wandering through the city, looking for any cash-in-hand jobs. As usual, it wasn't that difficult, and by the end of the day Jasper got hired at the port for the night shift in a warehouse while I agreed to clean and wash dishes in a Thai restaurant. I was content since we could simply work nights and spend our days somewhere safe, all without worrying about the sun.

We decided to search for an apartment in order to have a place to shower and stock our belongings. Neither Jasper nor I paid attention to material things the way the other Cullens did - cars, clothes or electronics not exciting us at all - but nonetheless, I thought it would be nice to have a real place to stay for a while. The apartment searching turned out to be much more difficult than finding a job, but we finally managed to sublet a one bedroom with a small bathroom and no kitchen. Like we would use one, anyway...

"***"

To my surprise, I found that I actually liked my job. I could focus on little tasks and see the result of my work immediately. Though it was boring, I found it consoling since the repetitive movements allowed me to keep my mind clear instead of rethinking everything that had happened in the last few years. And thankfully I didn't have to socialize with my coworkers. Even though people were friendly, they obviously could sense that something was off with me and avoided me the same way the students of Forks High had avoided the Cullens.

I usually finished my shift around four in the morning, arriving to an empty apartment, and took a shower before curling on the bed to wait for Jasper. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't seem to get rid of the smell of deep fry from my hair and clothes, but Jasper never complained as he got into bed with me and hugged me tight. Together, we would spend our early mornings in bed, enjoying the closeness of each other and waiting for the city to wake up.

If it was cloudy we tried to wander around the area a bit. We once managed to get a day off work and went to Pacifica Beach to finally see the ocean. It was cold and foggy, but we loved it, deciding to spend the day in the water and lying on the wet sand. People must have thought we were insane to swim in such weather. We raced and I was thrilled to see it could be a competition for Jasper. _That_ would have never happened for a human Bella.

During all that time, I kept my emotions really guarded to prevent the breakdown we'd experienced in Phoenix. I was pretty sure that wouldn't happen again, but I thought it was better to be safe than sorry.

"***"

We spent the whole winter in Oakland, doing normal things real people do – washing the clothes in the laundromats nearby, watching TV, shopping a little, visiting some local art exhibitions, reading, and talking. We even went to the movies once, but I found it too hard to keep myself focused enough to enjoy the film and I couldn't stand the sickening-sweet smell of popcorn and caramel. I did enjoy having Jasper's hand in mine though.

But when March came I found myself restless again. We meticulously avoided any of the harder topics the same way we avoided defining our relationship - but we couldn't keep avoiding things forever.

I was about to suggest that we go north when Carlisle called. I had been texting and – occasionally - calling him to let him know that we were okay. He never pried or pressed me to come home, although I knew they wanted us with the family, or at least as close to them as possible.

"Hi, Bella. How are you?" Carlisle asked and actually was waiting for an answer to his greeting.

"I'm doing fine, thank you," I said, surprised that for once I really meant it.

"Aren't you tired of Jasper's moods yet?" Carlisle joked.

"Moods?" I didn't understand. What moods?

"You know," Carlisle elaborated. "Jasper's shifts of emotions usually affected us all pretty much. They were unpredictable, and it took some time to get used to it."

I really didn't know what he was talking about.

Sure, with Jasper there was always that hint of sadness underneath, but I hadn't noticed any shifts in his moods. He was always gentle and peaceful, and I enjoyed his presence and his calm demeanor. I loved the way he would quietly move around the room doing his stuff, like reading or watching TV. He was intelligent and witty and had a great sense of humor. He could answer every question on all TV game shows, and I was sure he knew so much more than I did, but somehow he never made me feel inferior in any way. And he was smiling a lot more these days, sometimes even so wide he would show his dimple in his cheek. I smiled, too, at the thought of it.

"Um, I don't know," I finally said. "He seems pretty calm these days."

"Okay," Carlisle agreed slowly and changed the subject. "Are you both coming to Forks for the anniversary?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "I guess we are. I haven't spoken to Jasper about it yet, but we have to go to Seattle anyway. Jasper says some Jenks person there can help us with IDs, and I'm really tired of not having any."

"You don't have any ID?" Carlisle was clearly surprised. "How about credit cards, social security number and so on?"

"Nope," I admitted.

"Why didn't you tell me? I'm really surprised Jasper didn't ask me to send you those. I'm shipping all the things you need tomorrow morning, okay?"

"Uhh, I don't really think this is necessary. I mean, we've managed to get by without it. We can wait until Seattle." I hesitated.

"That is out of the question. And don't worry, this is no problem for me; I have most of the things ready anyway. I still cannot believe you didn't use any of your money." I guess we didn't need it. We hardly spent the money we earned now. What was the purpose of having more?

"***"

After saying goodbye to Carlisle I went back to Jasper. He was sitting on the bed watching TV. I sat beside him and placed my hand on his thigh. He looked at me from under his lashes and I felt the familiar warmth of his presence.

"Carlisle called," I started, although I knew he'd heard every word. "Do you want to go?"

"Yes," he said. "I think we should."

"Will you be okay with that? Last year you weren't," I told him, recalling Jacob's description.

"How did you know I've been there?" he asked, surprised.

"Jacob told me his pack saw you," I explained.

"Jacob?" Jasper raised his eyebrows.

"You know, one of the Quileutes? He was my best friend in Forks and he kept me alive after Edward left me." There, I finally was able to say it without cringing. "But then he went through this change and became a werewolf and..."

"Wait, you were friends with a WEREWOLF?" he exclaimed.

"Now you sound just like Alice." I laughed before it got to me what I'd just said and I covered my mouth with my hand. "I'm sorry!"

"Don't be." Jasper grasped my hand tightly. "So you were friends with a werewolf and...?" He urged me to continue. So I told him about Jacob and the pack and how they saved me from Laurent.

"Laurent?" Jasper cut me again. "Like the Laurent from James' coven?"

I nodded.

"That's odd," he said, deep in thought. "I could swear that I saw Victoria a few times on our way here."


	8. With you

**A/N**

I'm back from my vacations, done some writing so will post a few in a row now :)

I do not own anything Twilight.

Great thanks to **SAVAGEGRACEx** and to **SqueakyZorro**for the beta work.

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><p><strong>8. With you<strong>

We didn't talk about Victoria anymore since it didn't seem important. For the next few days we made our arrangements to leave Oakland, finishing our jobs and receiving our final paychecks. Carlisle sent us the documents and credit cards so we could easily fly to Seattle, but since I really didn't want to get rid of our Toyota we decided to drive. I liked the idea of going on the road again anyway, and I was looking forward to Jasper's company in the small space of the car.

The last night we spent in the apartment I was sad. I didn't want our time in Oakland to end. I'd gotten used to the tiny apartment and the constant deep fry smell on my hair; I found comfort in our everyday routine and of our mornings in bed together.

That last dawn found us wrapped in each others arms as usual, spooning; Jasper behind me, his face in my hair. I turned to face him.

"Jasper," I started, "do you think they will want us to live with them now? I mean, I know they do. But I am not sure I want to. Do you think they can make us? What will we do?"

"What do you want to do?" he asked calmly.

"I want to stay with you," I said. "To be together the way we are," I added, although I couldn't define "together" for us.

"Then that's what we'll do - we'll stay together," he assured me.

"I feel safe with you," I admitted.

"And you keep me calm." He smiled at me, squeezing me a little with his arms.

"And calm is good?" I looked at him. I wasn't sure.

"Yeah," he laughed, allowing me to see his dimples. "Calm is good."

We were so close that our faces were almost touching. Jasper was looking in my eyes, and I couldn't guess what he was searching for. He moved his hand, brushed the hair from my face and gently touched my cheek. And just like that, he kissed me.

It was a soft, light kiss. His lips felt warm on mine. I inhaled the smell of his breath and closed my eyes, allowing the warmth to spread throughout my whole body. But just when I was about to move my hand and bury it in his blond curls, he broke the kiss and rested his forehead on mine.

I opened my eyes to see his eyes were closed, lips parted lightly. I still felt his warmth and his light breath on my lips. I fisted the material on his t-shirt and held it tight. I don't know why; maybe I wanted to be sure he didn't leave, or vanish. We stayed like that for the next few hours – wrapped up together.

"***"

We gave back the key to the apartment, along with the envelope with our last week's paycheck inside. Then we got into the car and started our way to Seattle. Jasper drove so I curled my legs under me, put my forehead on the car window and looked outside at the landscape passing by. I was wondering what would happen next. I reached over to place my hand on his thigh and he covered it with his.

We stopped a few times on our way. We even went to the diner once, ordering coffee. As usual, I would sit over it, inhaling the smell. When he thought I wasn't looking, he was examining me intently. Maybe, just like me, he was worrying if that kiss changed anything between us. I prayed it didn't; I couldn't bear the thought of life without him. He was my sole constant in all of this.

We were half way through when we arrived to the scene of a car accident. The car was by the side of the road, its wheel in awkward position. I could hear the child crying and without thinking I bolted out of our Toyota to help. I got to the crashed car in a swoosh and ripped the door open with my bare hands. I didn't even try to hide my strength or speed. The people in the car looked fine, though, as I could see only some minor scratches, and the child on the back seat seemed okay, too, just scared.

"Oh my God, are you all right?" I shouted.

"Yes, yes, we are all fine," the man behind the wheel assured me. "I saw a woman! She was in the middle of the road, so I turned and the car slipped, and here we are." He motioned with his hand to the side of the road.

"Where is she?" I asked.

"I don't know! I must have imagined her," the man answered brows furrowing, "When we stopped, she wasn't there anymore!"

While I was talking with him the woman got the child out of the car seat and calmed him down; the boy was now looking at me with big eyes.

"You sure you are all okay?" I asked again.

"We are fine, thank God," the woman said. "How did you manage to open the door?" she was studying me. "They were jammed!"

"Um, I don't know... adrenaline rush, I guess." I used the same excuse Edward once used on me. They didn't seem convinced, but didn't question me further either.

I helped them all out of vehicle and cursed my little knowledge of first aid. I'd done some basic courses, but they weren't enough to assess if they were really unharmed. I understood Carlisle more now as I wouldn't mind finishing med school to have the knowledge to help people.

After I made sure - for the hundredth time - that they were okay, and they called their Triple A, I practically begged them not to mention me in the report. I told them I didn't want to get involved in anything since my parents didn't know I was on a trip with my boyfriend, and they would freak out if they did. Little did they know how close to the truth it was...

"***"

I finally left them and went back to Jasper. I was so pissed and disappointed with him. Throughout the whole situation he hadn't even moved from his seat! How could he not care about anyone? He must have heard the child crying... I mean, what kind of person does not react to that? I knew he could feel my anger, but I didn't care. I clenched my teeth and sat in silence, fuming.

"Bella." I heard him, his voice strained. "I'm not like you - I don't know how you do that."

"Do what?" I snapped.

"Don't feel hunger. If there was blood there... They wouldn't have a chance with me around," he explained quietly.

I felt ashamed. I'd assumed he was cold-hearted when he just couldn't take the risk. I should have known better than that.

"I'm sorry," I said gently. "I guess I'd forgotten about how hard it is for you, working with people around and all..."

"You know, I almost don't feel it when I'm around you," he said. He still wasn't looking at me.

"You mean, the blood thirst? How come?" I asked.

"I don't know. Maybe it's because you don't really feel it. I can't understand it. Alice helped me with the hunger thing by checking the future to make sure I wouldn't have a slip, but that's different – you just, I don't know, help me keep it at bay. I just don't feel it..."

He was silent for a moment, before he added quietly, "God, you must think of me as a monster since I'd killed all those people... I almost killed you... I even voted for you to be killed when we first met you..."

I knew that - Alice had told me, but I didn't blame Jasper for that. In fact, I wished they had killed me in the first place. None of the horrible things would have happened and Alice and Edward would still be alive. But here I was with Jasper, who felt bad because of his nature. I knew he killed people, but he did what he had to do in order to survive. I gathered my courage. It was my time to confess.

"Jasper," I whispered, "I've killed, too... I've killed a lot."

I could feel his shock; he even didn't have to ask me.

"When I was held there, in Italy, at first they would bring people. I refused to feed as long as I could, but then I just couldn't do it anymore. So I tried to not pay attention. But no matter how much I don't want to acknowledge that, I did it. It took more than a year before I was strong enough to withhold myself completely. I stopped feeding, and after a month or so, they gave up and allowed the animals," I stopped for a while and added, "I know that those people had no chance anyway - if it wasn't me, it would have been someone else from the guard, but it's a lame excuse. It was me who fed on them and killed them."

We were driving in silence, Jasper grasping my hand tightly.

"***"

We had entered the area of Seattle when I thought about something.

"It must have been hard for you that Alice didn't trust you enough to stop checking the future constantly to prevent your possible slip," I blurted out. I remembered how I hated when Edward treated me like a child.

He looked at me with surprise. "Yes, it was," he agreed. "But she did what she had to do, even if I didn't like it."

"I guess she did," I agreed. I was questioning Alice's decisions lately. I found myself admiring Jasper more and more – I couldn't understand how she could leave him behind. She loved him deeply - her last words were about him - so why didn't she find her way out of there to be with him? To prevent his pain? Weren't there any other choices, really?

I realized that I didn't know for sure what had happened in Volterra. Felix told me a little bit, but I just knew that - unlike with Edward who wanted to die, violated their rules and was first to attack - with Alice, it was an accident. However, "accident" is a vague word - I suspected Carlisle knew more than I did. I thought about asking him once we got to the family.

And we were almost there. I was taking in the familiar greens of the forests of the Forks area. I sat low in the car seat in case someone glanced inside. We passed by Charlie's house - my house - the lights were on, and I could smell a late dinner coming from the kitchen. Soon enough, we were climbing the road to the old Cullen house. Here, too, I could see the lights pouring from the large windows.

Jasper parked by the garage and stopped the engine. I could hear the buzzing of the forest and light drops of rain that had just started. We sat in the car, unsure of what to do. I knew the family heard us, but no one came outside; they were giving us space, I guess. I glanced at Jasper to see he was looking at me, too.

"So," I said. "This is it. We're here." As if he didn't know it... I climbed out of the car and waited for Jasper to join me; we clasped our hands and went up the stairs. Before we could knock, Esme opened the door.


	9. A little bit of comfort

**A/N**

I do not own anything Twilight.

Many thanks to **SqueakyZorro and** **SAVAGEGRACEx** for the beta work on this chapter! Hugs!

More A/N at the bottom...

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><p><strong>9. A little bit of comfort<strong>

They were all there waiting for us. I still didn't understand how they could stay in that house since, for me at least, it was a tomb holding the remains of the life we'd once had. But maybe it was their way of saying they remembered and that life could go on - even if Alice and Edward were not here anymore.

Esme greeted us first, hugging us both tightly. She kissed our cheeks and stretched her arms to assess our looks.

"I missed you so much!" she said. "You look good!" She smiled at us.

Carlisle followed with the hugs, then Rose and Emmett. We entered the house, answering questions about the journey and our life in Oakland. I told Carlisle about the accident and how I understood now his urge to be a doctor. I told him maybe one day I could try med school and help him although I didn't believe such a day would ever come – I doubted I would go back to any form of school.

We spent the whole night together - talking, laughing, filling in the gaps in the knowledge of our lives. If we were a normal family, we would do that at a table full of food, but since we didn't eat, we were all sitting in the living room – on the couches, armchairs, and floor.

It was almost dawn when Jasper disappeared without a word. I didn't have to ask - I knew he went to their old room. I didn't want to disrupt him, so I went outside to Esme's garden... or to what used to be Esme's garden, since now, without her care, the bushes and grass were growing wild, the flowers long forgotten. The rain had stopped, but the clouds were low and the first morning light looked grey.

I heard her light steps behind me. She stood next to me and looked at the remains of her garden.

"I'm so glad you are finally with us," she started. I nodded. It was good to be with them. I'd dreaded this reunion, but I had to admit it was soothing. It was _family_.

"Bella, what's up with you and Jasper?" Esme asked. Huh, I didn't see that coming.

"What do you mean?" I furrowed my brow.

"Why didn't you tell us you were together? You've never mentioned anything on the phone." She looked hurt.

"What do you mean 'together'?" I repeated.

"Well, aren't you? You certainly look like you are – you don't leave each other's side for one bit, you hold hands almost constantly and there is that thing about you two; I thought I would never see that again, when it comes to you... or him," she explained.

I considered her words. Was that true? Were we together? Surely, we didn't acknowledge that. I guess for normal standards we were a couple – we lived together, spend almost every possible minute with each other, hugged each other in bed, kept close. But that was it... or was it?

"I don't know," I said. "We... we just are."

Esme looked at me with concern and placed her hand on my forearm. I liked it; I liked the touchy-feely way of this family.

"Bella, it's okay, you know? It's okay for you to move on. Even if it is Jasper, and you've never considered it before. You both deserve happiness. And you understand each other like no one else can."

I bowed my head and let my hair fall on my face. "I'm not sure about that, Esme," I whispered. "I can't think about him that way. If... if he doesn't... you know... I wouldn't survive if he wasn't beside me."

"I don't think you should worry about that." Esme smiled gently and brushed my hair in a motherly gesture. "But don't feel I rush you into anything. Just keep this possibility open for you, okay? Let it happen."

With that she turned and walked back into the house while I stayed in the garden. I sat down on the ground and placed my head on my knees. I felt the change coming and didn't want it. I feared it.

"***"

They all stood in the light rain under umbrellas by the graves at the cemetery while I was peeking at them, well hidden on the hill above. Charlie and Sue were there as well. I could see them exchange hugs with Carlisle and Esme, finding solace in their common loss.

It felt sick to watch them like that. I wanted to run to Charlie and tell him I was here, take care of him like I used to, maybe cook his favorite stew or lasagne, but it wasn't my place anymore. I _was_ dead - at least to him - and he had Sue to look after him.

I spotted Jasper, standing in the back, keeping his distance from everyone as usual. He kept his head down, his face hidden behind the blond waves. I felt a strong urge to go to him and take him away from there, hold his hand and make it better. But I knew I couldn't. He looked up and our eyes locked. I felt something strong and strange build up inside me. But before I could make sense of that feeling, he broke our connection and hid his face again.

Charlie and Sue were leaving. I could see that Charlie had grown even older over this last year. His shoulders were a bit slumped, his walk didn't have as much energy as it used to, and his hair was grayer. He was changing – everything and everyone was growing old, changing - except me.

I couldn't take it anymore and I fled. I ran through the woods until I reached the La Push border. I didn't know if the rules of the treaty applied to me but didn't want to push it. I knew Jacob wasn't home; his spring break from college hadn't started yet. We exchanged occasional text messages, so I was up to date with his plans. But the other wolves were still there, and I was sure they wouldn't be pleased with a vampire invading their territory. So I stayed on the cliff.

"***"

He found me sitting on a rock, looking at the sea, and sat down next to me.

"How can you go on?" I asked him without explaining. "How can you look at all those things and people perishing, dying? Even the trees or houses; stupid movie stars or types of music - while we stay the same. Edward was right - we are ungodly creatures; we are truly cursed.

"I mean," I continued, "how can you not get attached to things? I couldn't even let the stupid Toyota go. I saw Charlie today – and he gets older each time I see him and it is _right_. It is us that are wrong. You've lived through that all these years. How can you get used to everything changing but you?"

"I can't really," he said. "No one from the family can. We just try to do our best to not look back, to accept the changes around us without questioning them. But isn't that what people do?" he asked.

"I don't know what people do anymore," I said bitterly. "I hate that I cannot get tired and that I don't feel the ache in my muscles after a long day of work. I hate not being able to taste different flavors, to get cold or hot, and I even wish I could be sick sometimes. But most of all, I hate that the comfort of sleeping is not for us. I want to close my eyes and forget for a moment. I once was able to do that in my 'no-time space' but now I can't do even that. I want just a moment of distraction, is that so much to ask for?" I was threading and unthreading the knots on my shirt, looking at the sea.

"Come on," he said and held his hand out for me. "Let me take you from here."

"***"

We went to Port Angeles and checked into the hotel under Jasper's name. I had my hood on and held my head low just in case we encountered someone I had known in my human life. We moved quickly to the room and went straight to bed as usual. I lay down on my side and he hugged me tight, pressing himself into my back. We stayed like that for a moment before I felt him kiss my hair, then neck and shoulder, while his hand moved over my stomach to the line of my breasts. The warmth spread through my body.

"Jasper," I whispered. "What are you doing?"

"Offering you some comfort... and distraction. And me," he said. "If you want me... that way."

Did I want him that way? I let that thought sink in. I thought about his beautiful face, soft lips, strong arms, lean body. I wanted that - I wanted him. I allowed the desire to consume me.

"I don't have to ask now, do I?" he chuckled. Of course, he felt it. He moved over and pressed himself on top of me. Then he kissed me. It was nothing like the light kiss from before. It was hot and urgent and deep. I let my lips part for him and felt his tongue on mine.

"Jasper," I tried to catch my breath. "Jasper, wait!"

He stopped the kiss and moved a little bit, so he could look into my eyes. He cupped my face with his hands and was caressing my temples lightly with his thumbs.

"Why?" he asked. "Let me make us feel better, for a while a least."

"But what will happen after?" I stuttered. "The last time... Well, I don't know what had happened the last time, but it didn't end well with that Claudia girl, did it? Jasper, I cannot lose you - you know that, right? I cannot take the risk of that."

"You won't," he assured me. "I promise you that. It's different. You know it is."

Yes, I knew that. And I really wanted him. I never thought I would be able to feel such longing and desire after Edward. But I wanted Jasper with all my body, even now my hands were on his back, keeping him close, stroking the warm, hard muscles.

"You know it will be my first time?" I asked, and I could swear I blushed at that.

"Yeah, I suspected that," he said softly, still caressing my temples, brushing my hair from my face. He moved his leg between mine and pressed me even more to the mattress with his body.

"I'm sorry it's me and not him," he added almost inaudibly. I could feel the sadness sweeping through the desire. I shut my eyes tight.

"God, no - it's not that!" I assured him quickly. "It's just... I don't really know what to do." I didn't have some stupid girly fear that I would be 'bad' at it; I just had no idea how to even begin.

"It's okay." He smiled. "I know - just let me show you."

He started kissing me again, our tongues meeting. I parted my lips and let him explore my mouth. I slid my hands down his back where I gripped the hem of his t-shirt and moved it upwards. He broke the kiss for a moment and let me pull the shirt over his head. He got rid of my top, too.

He kissed my neck and shoulders and moved his mouth to lick my nipple. I felt his warm tongue and then a little bit of teeth on it, and another wave of desire overwhelmed my body. I buried my hands in his golden waves and pulled him to me even more tightly.

He moved to my other breast while his hands carresed my sides and stomach. He then dipped his tongue in my navel and kissed his way down before he hooked his fingers in my panties and slid them down my legs. I closed my eyes, waiting. When I felt his tongue and his mouth on me, I moaned, feeling embarrassed of my reaction.

"God, Bella... You. Taste. So. Good," he murmured.

He was kissing me and licking, and just then I felt his long finger slide inside me. I bucked my hips against it. I wanted all of him. He moved his finger in and out, never stopping his tongue. He added a second finger and I felt the warmth spreading inside me.

Now, I might had been a virgin, but I knew what an orgasm felt like; however, I surely wasn't prepared for what it felt like with him. He licked me few more times while pumping his fingers and I shuddered. I gasped and fell, his name leaving my mouth in a whisper. He kept going, prolonging my orgasm, and when I was shaking with the aftershocks of it, he moved up my body to kiss me lightly. I felt his erection on my thigh and held him tighter. I moved my hands down his back and cupped his cheeks.

"Oh, my God," I managed to say in between his kisses.

"You are so beautiful," he whispered against my lips. "Please, let me love you."

He got rid of his jeans and underwear, and I saw his hard cock for the first time. I loved how it looked. His whole body was beautiful, lean and strong. Almost flawless, apart from the countless crescent scars, the same I had on me.

I opened my legs wider for him and urged him forward with my hand on his ass cheeks. I wanted him inside me. Nothing else mattered at that moment. He positioned himself and pushed a little. I stilled, afraid of what was coming and braced myself, holding his arms.

"It won't hurt; there will be no blood," he assured me while kissing my earlobe. I didn't ask how he knew that. I didn't want to know.

With a gentle thrust, he pushed further inside me. I felt him stretch me, but he was right – no pain, only pure bliss. He backed out a little and thrust again. I might had said his name but wasn't sure. His hands were stroking my face, shoulders, hips. He took my wrists in his hands and placed them above my head, keeping me still. His kisses became even deeper, his tongue licking the insides of my mouth, his teeth gently biting my lips. He kept a steady pace, and I felt the warmth, my inner muscles muscles clenching once more.

"Jasper," I panted, "You're gonna make me come again."

He let go of my wrists and cupped my face, kissing me hard.

"Come for me, my beautiful girl," he murmured in my mouth. And with that I did. I was falling again, with my eyes closed and gasping his name once more, fisting his hair so strongly I knew I must have hurt him.

I came down from my high and opened my eyes to see his beautiful face above me. He kept still, waiting for me to ride down the last bit of my orgasm. If I was still human, I would be breathless and sweating by now. I wanted him closer, deeper.

"I want you," I told him. "Please."

He never stopped looking in my eyes. His were dark from desire and looked grey in the shadows of the room. He started to thrust into me again, and just before his climax, I felt his guard go down. The strongest wave of desire and admiration I had ever felt enveloped me. He shuddered and came deep inside me, his cock pulsing and twitching. I kept my eyes open, taking him in, recording in my perfect memory how beautiful he looked like that.

He laid on top of me and squeezed me tight. My whole body was humming, and I could swear I felt the jolts of electricity between us.

And I still wanted him. So much.

"***"

I moved so I was on top him and kissed him softly.

"I still want you," I admitted. "I need to feel you again like that, please." He smiled at me with his mouth and his eyes.

I pushed him gently on his back and stretched my body so I was leaning on my hands on his chest. His palms went down my body gently and were placed on my hips. He was looking at me from under his lashes. I glanced down to see his cock, hard again, glistening. I put my hand on it and stroked him gently. Jasper moaned a little, closed his eyes and arched his hips into my touch.

I liked the velvet feel, the weight and the size of his erection in my palm. I loved the throbbing of it even more. I leaned down and poked my tongue out to lick him. He smelled and tasted like heaven to me. I didn't know if it was a vampire thing, but I really didn't care. I wanted all of him. I wanted to consume Jasper, eat him, take him in, bite him, make him mine.

I moved my tongue up and down his shaft before taking the head between my lips and swirling my tongue around it. He released a hiss and fisted my hair lightly. I started to move up and down, licking all the way and adding a little bit of suction.

"Come up here," he gasped. I released his cock from my mouth and positioned myself above him. He took his erection in his palm and I pressed down on it, burying him in me again.

"Aaagh," I moaned incoherently and moved my hips. He stilled me with his hands.

"Slow down," he said. "You feel so good. I don't want this to end."

I didn't want this to end either, so I stayed like that, with him deep inside me, his hands on me, our gazes locked together. I glanced down his body and wondered what I did to deserve this beautiful man. I took his hands in mine, entwined our fingers together, brought them up to my lips and kissed his fingertips. I'd known for a long time that I couldn't exist without him. But that – that was something else. That was so much more.

I couldn't keep myself still anymore, so I moved my hips again. He put one of his hands on my breast, touching it, pinching my nipple lightly. His other hand went down to my clit. He pressed his thumb to it and started rubbing circles, matching the pace of my hips.

It didn't take long before I was gasping out his name again, arching my back, riding him in earnest. He followed me seconds after, and once more I could feel his emotions, prolonging my climax, pushing me to the edge of pure bliss.

I lay down on him, and he wrapped his arms around me. I felt him slip from me and I hated the loss of that connection. I kissed his chest and rubbed circles with my fingers on his stomach.

I couldn't stop the feeling that what he offered was so much more than just a little bit of comfort and distraction. And I still wanted him.

"***"

I lay in his arms, with my head on his chest, and felt like floating. Every cell in my body still felt his touch - it was like being wrapped in the softest of velvet. I was afraid of moving and breaking the spell of that moment. I wanted to stay like this forever, but we had to go. I sighed.

"Are you okay?" he asked and tried to move to look at my face.

"Yeah, I just don't want to go," I told him. "I don't want this to end."

I allowed him to shift so we were lying face to face, looking into each other's eyes. I was stroking his forearms gently with my fingers.

"What color were your eyes?" I asked.

"Blue," he replied.

I so much wanted to cry right now. I wanted them blue again - I wanted to grow old with him, watch him change with years, eat dinners and breakfasts with him, have his children, have a real life with him - not brief moments of solace in this eternity of pain.

"Bella, what's wrong?" he was searching the answer in my eyes.

"I wish we were real, you know?" I whispered and buried my face in his chest again.

"I know, my beautiful girl, I know," he whispered too. He caressed my hair, kissed my head and held me even tighter.

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><p><strong>AN**

It seemed wrong for me to put lemons in that story, so at first I put it as an outtake ("A little bit more of comfort – Sunshine outtake"). However, since I write a lot of porn nowadays, I decided that after the beta process I include the lemon part in the main story.

BTW - This was my first lemon ever ;)

Note: SM's Jasper had brown eyes.


	10. Family

Many thanks to SqueakyZorro for beta'ing!

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><p>Thank you so much for sweet reviews and adding the story to your favorites or on alert. This means more to me than you think!<p>

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><p><strong>10. Family<strong>

We came back to the house without talking about our night together. Even though I hadn't considered it at first, we decided to go back with the family to Montreal. We didn't have any alternative plan, and they were all so thrilled with our presence. Even Rosalie was practically beaming. To my great distress, Jasper had to finally sell our Toyota, as we took the plane with the others. But there was no point for us dragging the car to Canada, and Jasper promised we would get another one. The thing was I didn't want another one – I missed it already. I guess I would have to get used to missing small things in my life. Unlike us, most of the people and things around us were not eternal.

Once in Montreal, we stayed with Carlisle and Esme. Emmett and Rosalie still lived by themselves nearby but spent most of their free time with us anyway. No one had posed any questions when Jasper and I moved in one room together. Things were back to where they were before our night in Port Angeles. Jasper never mentioned what had happened and never gave me any indication he would like to repeat our 'little bit of comfort'. But he didn't express regret, either.

As for me, I wasn't sure whether I was happy that everything was normal again, or sad that our relationship didn't progress. Nonetheless, we still stayed together, almost all the time, and spent our nights wrapped up in each other's arms in bed, pretending to sleep.

The Cullens tried hard to live the way humans do. They "got up" in the morning and went to their jobs, spent evenings together, and kept nights for the couples to do whatever it was the couples did. Carlisle still worked in the hospital, and Emmett and Rosalie were finishing their studies.

I didn't want to be a burden, so I decided to find a job. Jasper had already found one – to my surprise he took up some dreadful thing in one of the call centers, where he stayed all day long in a small cubicle and answered endless phone calls, trying to soothe pissed off customers. They were seeking some fluent English-peaking person and loved Jasper's slight hint of Southern accent, as well as his ability to remember every single detail of their service. At least he had to deal with people only on the phone...

I wanted to do waitressing or washing dishes again, but somehow I felt that such a job wouldn't go well with the Cullen's image. So I tried to find something more sophisticated. It turned out they were seeking help in the local university library. It was low paid and truly boring. Honestly, I didn't know where the stories about being able to read books while working in the library came from; it was all about segregation and numbers on the covers. But it was perfect for me – I felt almost like a protagonist of Wender's _Wings of desire_ – walking soundlessly between rows of books, putting the right ones in the right places. The only thing lacking from the film would be the hearing of people's thoughts. But, thank you – no! I had seen what it had done to Edward.

I found Montreal pretty – I loved the hills, parks, the river, and the grey squirrels, as well as little striped chipmunks in the parks, coming to every person passing by, in the search of a snack. Well, to almost every person – they sure did avoid us, probably sensing our predator nature.

Both Jasper and I had to catch up with French, which led to the funniest situations. We might have had perfect recall of the words and grammar and perfect hearing to notice the slight differences in pronunciation, but knowing you sound wrong does not improve your singing if you don't have a talent, does it? We were twisting the words horribly, cringing at the way they sounded, laughing till we were breathless on the floor, and teasing each other's inability to learn it. I would bet every bit of my poor salary Edward would have spoken with a perfect Quebecoise accent in just a few weeks, but we were really hopeless.

I found myself more and more attached to Jasper. I hated our time apart and awaited his return from work each day. Esme examined me closely every time I stood at the front porch of their house or sat on the steps, just waiting impatiently for him to come back to me. When he would, I'd stand up quickly and hide in the house, smiling to him shyly once I got caught. Sometimes he would lean down to give me a peck on my cheek and take my hand to lead me inside.

"***"

We spent a lot of time with the family, getting to know them again. It was strange – the way they could keep going after all that had happened. I knew life had to go on, but for me it didn't really. Even though I shared it with Jasper, we seemed to be unable to deal with it. I was haunted by the ghosts of the past, by the guilt, by the sight of Edward ceasing to exist right before my eyes, and the whispered promises to Alice before she vanished from my life as well. Once or twice Carlisle tried to ask me about the time in Italy, but I brushed that off, usually directing the conversation to other subjects. I didn't want to talk about it or even think about it.

However, I had to admit life was pushing forward – even for me and Jasper. We were slowly adjusting; I started to talk a little bit more to my colleagues at work, and I went out shopping with Esme and Rosalie once.

I found out I had totally misjudged Rosalie when I was human. I used to think of her as hostile and cold while she was anything but. She was gentle, caring and protective. I also found out I could relate to her with my constant feeling of guilt. She, too, couldn't come to terms with the fact that it was her mistake that led Edward to Volterra in the first place. During one of our town trips, we sat on a bench in a park when I felt her hand on mine.

"Bella," she said quietly. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't." I squeezed he hand tight. "It's not your fault. It really isn't. If it's anyone's - it is mine. And his..."

"But..." she started.

"Please," I begged her. "It is enough that me... and Jasper are like that. Just think of it as an accident. It is what it really was."

"Accident?" She arched her perfect eyebrows at me.

"Yes," I said firmly. "You..." I took a deep breath, reluctantly allowing my mind to go back in time. "You couldn't stop that. With Edward - it was inevitable in so many ways. And Alice... Alice really was an accident. At least, that's what I've been told – a horrible accident. Felix – I mean, a guy from the guard who took care of me – he told me that they never actually wanted it; it just happened, and they couldn't do anything." There, I said it.

"Does Jasper know?" she asked.

"I... I don't know. Not from me. I've never told him this," I said thoughtfully.

"You should."

"Yeah, I guess I should," I admitted.

"Are you and Jasper...?" she trailed off.

I didn't know what to respond. I didn't know it when Esme asked me, and I still had no idea. So I said sincerely, "I don't know."

"But you're together all the time! You live in one room; vanish for the nights. I mean, do you...?"

I wasn't sure Jasper wanted anyone to know about our night, so I tried to avoid the question. "Argh, not really..."

Rosalie raised her eyebrows at me again. "Well, Bella, either you are, or you aren't – it's a pretty simple question. But if you don't want to tell me, it's okay. I just wanted you to know that if you ever need a girl talk, I'm here. And that I'm sorry. Not only for Edward, but also for the way I treated you before."

"That's okay," I told her. "Now, when I'm like this…" I motioned to me. "I understand very well why someone would be opposed to the idea of bringing over another human."

She nodded in understanding.

"***"

After my conversation with Rose, I couldn't stop thinking I owed it to Jasper to tell him about Alice. That night I was waiting for him anxiously on the steps, as usual.

"Bella, what's wrong?" he asked as soon as he spotted me.

"I have to tell you about Alice," I said.

He examined me in silence for a few minutes, his emotions unclear to me.

"Okay," he said at last. "Let's go for a walk."

We sat on the grass in the park near the house. I didn't know where to begin, so I started with what had happened after Edward had left. I told him a little bit more about Jacob, about the hallucinations of Edward when I felt the rush of adrenaline, and about the cliff diving.

"Wait," he interrupted. "Did you want to kill yourself?"

"No," I denied. "At least not in the beginning. Once it was happening – well, I embraced it, really." I felt ashamed admitting it. "And then Alice came, and nothing else mattered but saving him. But I didn't save him. I saw them kill him. I will see the expression of his eyes forever – when he knew he wasn't going to make it out of there. And I hate him so much for making this decision." I looked down at my hands. My emotions were raging. For once I didn't feel the overwhelming despair and darkness, but the red flames of anger.

I felt his hand on mine, and a cool feeling and calmness enveloped me tightly. I glanced at him to see his eyes boring into me, flaring with rage as well.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I don't want to drop it on you."

He waved his hand dismissively, urging me to follow with the story.

"I must have lost my senses 'cause when I woke up, I was with Alice in a closed, small room. She was holding me, brushing my hair, and whispering something quickly. I thought she was praying. I told you she was the one who bit me," I continued silently. "I still don't know why she was so cruel to do that. Why did she put me through this? Why didn't she just let me die? I mean, she must have seen..."

Suddenly it all became clear to me, and I gasped. Jasper. It was always about him. She must have seen it – us, together, like we had been in that hotel. And still, she wanted me to help him. She was wrong then. I didn't save him – I even didn't take care of him the way I promised. It was more like he was taking care of me.

"Bella?" he asked, stunned by my silence and changing emotions.

"Sorry," I said. "I just wanted to say that when I woke up, Alice wasn't there anymore. And I don't really know how much time had passed before Felix came and told me about her. He said it was an accident; they never wanted it to happen and were extremely sorry about it."

"I knew from Carlisle it was an accident," he said, not looking at me. Now it was my time to be shocked.

"Carlisle knew?" I asked.

"Yes, Aro called him himself, told him about both Edward and Alice. Said they wanted Alice to work with them, to stay in Italy. She saw something – probably involving me coming to get her, probably ending up badly. She antagonized Jane. Jane wanted to show her a lesson. Alice lunged at her, and the other guards thought Alice was attacking Aro and they reacted," he was saying it all so calmly, so lifelessly.

"You knew all this time?" I said in disbelief. I felt hurt he didn't say a word about it while he knew even more than me.

"It's all my fault," he said through clenched teeth. The air got thick around us. We both felt guilty, even though we weren't really.

The tension was getting too much to bear. I stood up and went back to the house, not looking to see if he would follow me. That was the first night we spent apart since I'd found him in the woods of Georgia.


	11. Lake

**A/N**

I do not own anything Twilight.

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I am still so shocked anyone reads this, puts this on alert or on Favs. list… And I cannot express how grateful I am for all the nice words you write to me! hugs

This chapter is beta'd by **SqueakyZorro **- thank you!

The Camaro is for Buraczek ;)

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><p><strong>11. Lake<strong>

The next morning, I went to work feeling anxious and shitty. Jasper hadn't shown up, and I didn't know where he was, or when and if he was coming back. Thoughts about him were distracting me. I misplaced the books and was unable to concentrate on anything. The crowds of frenzied students, trying to find materials for their finals, were getting on my nerves, and a few times I snapped at them, instantly feeling sorry for my lack of control.

Once my shift was over, I practically ran back home only to find the house empty. Carlisle hadn't come back from the hospital yet, Esme must have gone to do some shopping or to help in the local school, and Emmett and Rosalie were preparing for finals in their place. I paced the house nervously, waiting, waiting, waiting...

Finally he showed up, just as usual, gave me a familiar peck on my cheek and entered the house like nothing had happened. I wondered if I should tell him that I'd been worried and it was unbearable to spend the night without him, but why should I bother? He sensed it all. So I just sat next to him on the couch and leaned my head on his shoulder. He caressed my hair and kissed my forehead.

"We are okay," he said, his voice sweet and gentle. It wasn't a question but I nodded anyway. We didn't talk about it anymore, in just the same way we avoided any other important topics.

"***"

The school year ended and the library got awfully quiet. The staff were wandering around the shelves, clueless, hanging out in the common areas and trying to read, but mostly just talking to each other. Our office manager encouraged us to take a week or two off. Emmett and Rosalie were free for their summer vacations and Esme had a break from her chores, so they all decided we should spend some time by the lake. It was convenient, anyway, since the days were sunny and we constantly had to hide ourselves inside the buildings which was really irritating.

As soon as Jasper and Carlisle were able to arrange their two weeks off from work, we all went to a wooden cabin on a small island owned by the Cullens on one of the lakes nearby. The cabin was a so called "beaver house" but was comfortable and spacious enough to contain us all. We took a small motorboat to get to the island. I was sitting at the back of the boat, enjoying the wind in my hair and the sun on my face. Jasper was next to me, silent as usual, with his eyes half-closed and a small smile on his lips. I couldn't take my eyes off him, watching him in awe, thinking how beautiful he was.

We set up a large mosquito net underneath which we placed a wooden table and chairs collected from the cabin. The mosquitoes couldn't bite us of course, but their sound drove us crazy. We lit some anti-bug candles and Carlisle set up a fire on the small beach nearby. I wished we had marshmallows and hot dogs to toast on the fire before I remembered no one would actually eat them. But it was nice anyway to sit together, bubbling about nothing important, and listening to the woods humming and the water splashing lightly.

It was almost midnight when Emmett glanced at Rosalie and made some remark about "the night being young and men having their needs." I blushed internally, thinking about Jasper. I felt a wave of desire and wondered if it came from me and he just pushed it back or was it coming from him. I peeked at him, sitting by the fire, moving the burning branches with a stick. But his hair had fallen on his face, hiding his eyes, and as usual I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

Emmett and Rosalie chased each other to the house, followed by Esme and Carlisle who said goodnight to us and headed to the cabin as well. It was just me and Jasper now. He kept playing with the fire while I moved to sit by it Indian style and stayed motionless, afraid to destroy the peace between us. I closed my eyes and let the sounds of woods and lake lull me.

Suddenly I felt his warm arms embracing me. He sat behind me, placed me between his legs, pulled me onto his chest and closed his arms around me tightly. I let my head rest on his chest and leaned against him while he brushed my hair aside and placed a small kiss on my neck. Then he hugged me even tighter.

If I was the old Bella I might have urged us to do something more – at least I would have said something. It was always me who kept pushing the boundaries with Edward. But on the other hand, it was Edward who was the main force in our relationship. It was him who was arranging everything, preparing my surprises, making the decisions for me, whether I liked it or not. The same way Alice had been the force that drove their relationship with Jasper. She was the active one.

Here, if it even was a relationship, we had to find a balance and encourage each other. And I was too afraid to force anything that could lead to Jasper leaving me. So we just sat together quietly through the night, welcoming the first rays of morning sun a few hours later.

"***"

The next few days were a true holiday for the family. I was stunned how much it resembled real human vacations. We swam in the lake, chased each other in the water and splashed it around. The water was quite cold, but it sure didn't bother us. Emmett and Rosalie constantly teased each other and made sexual innuendos, hearing which Carlisle would only smile and roll his eyes. We lay on the small beach, fingering the small leaves of grass growing in between the sand spots. We tried to play some badminton but with our strength we managed to break two sets of rackets before we gave up, laughing. Esme usually sat on the sun bed, reading some silly romances and sunbathing, or at least pretending to do so. And Carlisle... Well, Carlisle took advantage of my more relaxed state and made it his point of honor to get to know as much as he could about my staying with the Volturi.

Jasper never left my side during those interrogations, calming me down and shooting warning glances to Carlisle every time he thought Carlisle pushed me too far. I still did not want to talk about it. Actually there was nothing to talk about. I was there, I failed to save the ones I loved, and I was damned to spend my days being a lousy vampire – the one who wasn't even good at hunting and didn't have any special skills. And it was the skills that kept Carlisle most interested. He was convinced that Aro wouldn't have kept me by his side for so long if he didn't believe I had a very important talent.

"I told you so many times, you are wrong. They were wrong. There is nothing to discover about me," I said for the countless time, exasperated. "True, Aro cannot 'hear' me, just the same way Edward couldn't. And Jane couldn't hurt me. But it must be just some defense mechanism. It is not a talent, it is a mere preservation skill. They would have forced it out if I had anything, believe me, they tried hard," I reasoned bitterly, glancing down at my bare thighs covered with crescent scars. But neither Carlisle nor Jasper looked convinced.

I stood up and went to the water to swim away from them.

"***"

Later that night, when Rose and Emmett swam to the shore to hunt and Carlisle took Esme inside to 'read' as he called it, I sat with Jasper on the log by the lake, splashing the water with our feet. He moved a strand of my hair from my cheek, slowly, with tenderness. I was so lost with him sometimes. One moment he was so full of reserve, always uncannily calm, and the next he would surprise me with gestures filled with emotion.

"Jasper... Do you regret it?" I asked him quietly.

"Regret what?"

"You know..." I was circling my feet in the water. His eyes widened with apprehension.

"Why would you think that?" he looked really shocked.

"You never... So I just thought, I don't know," I hung my head low, preparing for the blow of rejection.

"No," he said simply. "I don't."

I was still lost. He didn't regret it, but it seemed like he didn't want that kind of closeness anymore with me, either. Maybe I was an ungrateful creature. I had him in so many ways and should appreciate it, not always reach for more. I even wasn't sure _I_ wanted more. I had nothing in me I could give him.

"Bella, come here," he said pulling me into his embrace. I laid my cheek on his chest and he kissed the top of my head.

"That is why," he murmured above me, answering my silent question.

But I didn't understand his cryptic words. Did he see that, too, that I had nothing to offer? Or was it because he wanted to preserve what we had right now? Or maybe after that night he realized that we could never be together the way he and Alice had been? That I could never replace her? But was I a replacement? Because to me he for sure wasn't a replacement for Edward. I understood now that Jasper was my sunshine, without him I was in the darkness.

"***"

Our time off on the island had ended too quickly and soon enough we were back in the car, driving to Montreal to real life again. Carlisle and Esme at the front, me and Jasper at the back seat. Emmett and Rosalie were ahead from us in their shiny red, black-striped '68 Camaro. Some things never changed...

The sun was high up, the heat strong even as for this time of a year. Carlisle however didn't turn on the AC, opting for opened windows instead so we could enjoy the warm wind. Carlisle was humming to a song on the radio while Esme was tapping the rhythm with her fingers on her bent knee. They hold hands on the armrest between the seats.

I smiled to that image and reached for Jasper's hand as well, entwining our fingers tightly, and glanced up at him. He was staring at me, smile lighting his face. It was broad and honest, and I could see the sparkles of light in his amber eyes. He squeezed my fingers, his smile getting even broader. He tilted his head and was looking at me with tenderness, his long hair swirling in the wind.

I hadn't felt so good, so loved and so _in place_ since I'd been with Edward on our meadow. Maybe there was hope for us after all. Maybe our life could go on.

Maybe, just maybe, we could even have a future.


	12. Don't leave me

**A/N**

I don't own anything Twilight.

Thank you so much for reading and reviews! Nothing is more encouraging to write than nice words!

This chapter is beta'd by** **SqueakyZorro ****- thank you!

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><p><strong>12. Don't leave me<strong>

Once back home, I plugged in the phone I had left in the house to find several messages from Jacob in it. There were a few missed calls from him and one text saying, "Bella, call me please. Important."

Now, Jacob wasn't the kind of guy to send cryptic notes or to raise alarm over nothing, so something important must have really happened. I called him back immediately.

"Jacob? It's Bella. I've seen your text. I've been away for a few days... What's wrong?" I asked without even saying 'Hi'.

"Oh, thank God, you're okay!" He released a sigh of relief.

"Why wouldn't I be? Unless you've forgotten, I'm not the clumsy trouble magnet I was before..." I reminded him with a slight hinge of bitterness in my tone.

"Well, I wouldn't know about that..." He chuckled and hesitated before continuing. "I mean, it seems like you are still a trouble magnet..."

"What do you mean?" I huffed, annoyed a little.

"Is Carlisle there?" he asked, instead of answering me.

"Yes, he is. Why?"

"Could you get him on the phone for me, please? I really need to speak to him," he urged. Without further questioning him I went to the living room and gave the phone to Carlisle. He looked up at me with surprise.

"It's Jacob Black," I explained. "He says he has something important to talk to you about."

"***"

We all sat in the living room, Carlisle reporting his conversation with Jacob.

"So apparently, there's a quite large group of vampires in the Forks vicinity. They've done a lot of damage in Seattle. And by damage I mean not only killings, but also kidnappings and some strange riots – destroying cars and houses, and so on. The police are helpless of course. They believe it's a group of fanatics, terrorists, or serial killers. It seems like there are an awful lot of them. Jacob says they're mostly exceptionally strong and fast, however, very easy to spot. The wolves dealt with a few of them who crossed La Push boarder, and Jacob reports they had no trouble with hunting them down, but new ones keep coming."

"Newborns…" Jasper said quietly. Carlisle glanced at him.

"Yes. That's what I thought, too. But who would need that many new vampires, and for what purpose? The most disturbing thing is that the wolves found the trace of a vampire in Bella's house."

"My house? You mean - Charlie's?" I asked.

"Yes. No one was harmed, and Charlie is under heavy protection in La Push, so he is safe, but Jacob was worried something might have happened to Bella. The wolves won't leave their territory; they say this isn't their business to deal with outside of La Push, but the vampires are getting closer to them now," Carlisle continued. "So Jacob called with a warning, but also asking for help. They need us to check the situation in Seattle and maybe do something about it. If we're able to."

"So, let's go," Emmett interrupted him.

"I'm not sure we'll be able to deal with such a situation," Carlisle said. "If the numbers the wolves provide are accurate, well, we will certainly need some more help," he trailed off. "Maybe we'll even have to let the Volturi know…"

I didn't say anything, but Jasper stood up.

"Before we do anything hasty, let's learn more," he said. "If this is what we think it might be, we have to be careful and check everything first. I can go to Forks for a few days - I'll talk to the wolves, check Bella's house, and then head to Seattle to examine the situation there. Then we'll plan what to do next, okay?"

I sat, looking at him in shock. What was he saying? He was so calm about it - like he was talking about going to check the prices on an annual sale.

"I'll go with you!" Emmett was immediately by Jasper's side.

"No. I think it's better to be unnoticed," Jasper declined. "I'll try to trace the leader, see who is behind all that, and as soon as I have the information, I'll head back. I surely won't do anything by myself, so don't ya worry, okay?" He smiled at Emmett.

"I think Jasper's right." Carlisle took his side. Emmett looked unhappy, but didn't argue.

"It's settled then," Jasper ended the conversation. "I'll go as soon as I can. Just let me call work to tell them I'll be off for a few days." He walked out of the room to get his phone.

I watched him leave the room, unable to stand up.

"***"

"No, please, you can't go," I pleaded in despair. We were at the front porch, Jasper ready to head off.

I was clinging to him, fisting the material of his shirt so hard I was already ripping it and digging my fingers in his forearm. If we were human I would be seriously bruising him.

"Please, Jasper, don't leave me," I begged with my face buried in his chest.

He even didn't try to calm me down, holding me tight instead. Then he gently started to unclench my fingers before he leaned down to make me look at his face.

"Bella," he said, his voice not so calm as usual. "Baby, I am _not_ leaving you," he stressed. "I will be back in a few days. I am not leaving. I will check with you every day, text you and call you, all right? It's just for a few days," he repeated. "I will come back to you, I promise."

He was trying to reassure me, but I didn't believe him. I was dying from anxiety that he would never come back to me, and I would never see his face again. _No, you won't come back, I know you won't_, I wanted to say, but didn't. I was shaking, standing opposite to him, my hands, finally free of the shirt's fabric, in fists next to my sides.

He sighed and hugged me again, before whispering in my hair, "Bella, I got to go now. We'll see each other in a few days. I'll call you as soon as I get there."

I let him go, sat on the stairs and wrapped my arms around my chest. After some time Esme came to sit by my side. She put her arm behind my back and said, "Come on, let's get you in the house. Jasper is very experienced in such cases, so don't worry about him. He will be back before you ever notice he's left." She smiled and ushered me inside.

"***"

When Jasper left I found myself unable to function. He was my air - without him I fell apart and almost stopped existing. I went to my work every day, but all my motions were mechanical, and I didn't notice the hours passing by. I spent the rest of my days and nights in my room. I stopped hunting. I usually lay on the bed, or on the floor, not being able to move. I waited for him to come back.

Only he wasn't coming back. At first he did call me every day, and texted me few times a day, just like he had promised. The situation in Seattle seemed quite serious, though. The vampire group was really large and doing a lot of damage. In Forks, the wolves kept constant guard. Jasper spared me the details, talking about it mostly with Carlisle and Emmett, but he told me enough that I could start worrying.

Two weeks had passed, and then one day he called to say he would be out of reach for the next two or three days since he was trying to get closer to the leaders of the group and had to be more careful. He mentioned that he suspected someone quite powerful was behind all that.

"Jasper, I'm so worried about you," I finally admitted.

"I'll be all right; don't worry. This isn't anything I've not dealt with before, you know?"

"I know, but I am still worried. I don't want anything to happen to you."

"I'll be okay. I'll call you as soon as I can," he paused. "I miss you, Bella," he added softly.

"I miss you, too," I answered. I was holding my phone tight hours after he'd hung up.

"***"

Days passed one by one without a word from Jasper. At first, I wandered around the house, pacing anxiously through the halls, asking everyone "Why doesn't he call?" I seemed to be the only one so stressed about it. They were all waiting patiently, and were assuring me everything was fine. But as more time passed, my anxiousness started to turn into deep despair and hopelessness.

Esme was trying to get me out of the house, Rosalie offered some "girl time," and even Emmett tried to cheer me up, inviting me for a hunting trip. But I didn't have the strength to get up anymore. I stopped going to work and almost didn't move at all. I was slipping in the no-time again.

One day Carlisle came to my room and sat by my side.

"Bella," he started, "I know what this is. I'm a doctor. I've seen the signs of depression so many times. If you were human, I would know how to help you, but medication is impossible for us. And I wouldn't ever say it to a human, since a lot of the depression factors are beyond you, but... You've got to find the strength yourself. You've got to get out of it. Not for us, not even for Jasper, you got to do it for yourself."

I listened to his words but didn't really care. I wanted Carlisle to leave the room and let me be the way I was until Jasper came back to me. I was praying for Jasper to come back. The insecure part of me was placing ugly thoughts in my head of Jasper leaving me deliberately, not wanting to be with me anymore, and using the trip as an excuse. But deep down, I suspected something even worse than that.

A few days later Carlisle knocked on my door again.

"Bella," he said, the concern in his voice unmistakable. "I just got off the phone with Jacob. It's been two months already, and we are really worried about Jasper. We don't know what to do. I call Jacob almost every day, but the wolves know nothing more. I think we should go there to check on him. I know Jasper told us to keep out of it, and that he would let us know if he needed help but..." he trailed off.

I didn't allow myself to think something bad had actually happened to Jasper. He was strong and smart, and he knew better than anyone else how to deal with other vampires.

"So, when do we leave?" I asked Carlisle, standing up, ready to leave, feeling the strength in me which I thought was long gone.


	13. Phone

**A/N**

I don't own anything Twilight.

I cannot thank you enough for the reviews, and adding the story to your favs and alert list!

This chapter is beta'd by** **SqueakyZorro ****- thank you!

* * *

><p><strong>13. Phone<strong>

We decided to go to Seattle as soon as possible. Only Esme stayed in Montreal since she had some former arrangements. However, I suspected the real reason behind her staying was that Carlisle wanted to keep her safe. We flew to Seattle, and Emmett and Rose started looking through the city while Carlisle and I went to Forks to talk to the wolves.

We met them near their border. They reported things quickly, not wanting to have to deal with us more than necessary. I tried to focus on their words, but for me only one thing mattered: no sign of Jasper.

"I'm sorry we're not of much help," Jacob said apologetically when Carlisle and Sam went into some talk about logistics. I knew Jacob meant it. If he could help, he would have. But for me, it was enough that the wolves were keeping Charlie safe.

"It's just… We can't cover much more territory than La Push. And I cannot leave Leah alone now when she's… you know," he trailed off. I could only think of one ending to this sentence.

"You are going to have a baby?" I don't know why I was so shocked about it. It was the way things were in the human world.

"Yeah. Can you believe that?" He grinned.

Jacob and a baby. Jacob's baby. I couldn't wrap my mind around it.

"Wow, this is… I am so happy for you! This is great! How is Leah doing?"

"She's a little scared and was very pissed about it at the beginning since we didn't really plan to have kids so soon, but now, I guess, she's really looking forward to it. It may be rough, with college and all, but we'll manage."

"I'm sure you will – you always do." I smiled at him. Happiness radiated from him and it felt great. Life was actually moving forward, and good things were happening as well. Even if I couldn't take part in them anymore.

"***"

Carlisle decided to check the woods and their old house again, and while he was at it, I thought I could look at my house in search for any signs of Jasper. I knew it must have been the place where he started his investigation, so it was only reasonable I start there, too. The house was dark and empty as I climbed the tree Edward used to climb to get into my bedroom, and I peeked inside. The window was slightly ajar, so I forced it all the way up and entered the room. I turned on the small bedside lamp and glanced around. Everything was just the way it was when I was alive. It was so strange – like going back in time, so surreal.

I was sure Jasper had been here since his scent lingered all around the room. When I smelled him I realized how much I actually missed him – his scent, the warmth of his body, and his beautiful smile. Thoughts of Jasper entwined with memories of Edward triggered by the familiar surroundings, and I felt like I was going to lose it in that moment.

I grasped my hair tightly, pulling it with force, like I wanted to rip my head off. I fell to my knees with my hands still in my hair. I might have whimpered a little before it changed into a quiet wail. I tried to calm myself down, taking deep breaths, focusing on observing the floor and forcing the memories out of my head. Instead, I tried to look for clues that Jasper might have left in the room.

After a while, I noticed that underneath Jasper's scent was another one. It seemed a little bit familiar, but I couldn't make it out. I was only sure that it belonged to a vampire since there was a hint of sweetness to it. I got up from the floor and walked around the room. Suddenly, I saw Jasper's cell phone lying on the desk, and I grabbed it to check it out. The battery was dead, of course, but it was the same charger as mine, so I quickly plugged it in. The phone lit up, and I opened the menu, scrolling through messages and last calls in search for any clues. Nothing. Only IDs of me, Carlisle and Jacob. Most of the text messages were also to or from me. I felt my chest clench at the sight of them.

There was nothing else to do in the house, but having no other place to go to wait for Carlisle, I settled on my old bed and started looking through all the other folders on Jasper's phone. It didn't feel right to snoop like that, but I suspected that Jasper - or someone else - left the phone on my desk on purpose. I started with the e-mails and calendar but with no luck, and then moved to the photo albums.

I was shocked to see how many pictures of me Jasper had on the phone. I couldn't remember him taking them. I smiled when I reached some of the photos from our trip to the lake. There were a few shots of us that Esme had taken. There was me and Jasper, smiling at each other, looking into each other's eyes. We looked so... in love. I gasped. _Oh, my God_.

I sat totally still, not even breathing, the shock of my realization dawning on me. How could I not see that? Did everyone else know but me? Was it real? Did he know it?

Before I could process it all, the phone rang in my hand. It startled me, and I dropped the phone on the floor. I picked it up, glancing at the screen - unknown caller ID.

"Hello?" My voice was a bit shaky.

"Well, _hello_. I knew you'd come to get your lover boy. Sorry 'bout that, by the way," said a familiar childish voice. _Victoria…_

"Where is he?" I asked, without trying to make a conversation.

"Ah, well. He is where he is. There isn't much you can do for him now, doll," she said. "I must admit it was kind of tricky – with him being such a skilled soldier and all. And I must admit that I didn't know what to think and do when you showed up in Canada without your previous lover boy. I wanted a mate for a mate, and when I heard yours was dead, I was so angry that there would be no one else to mourn you. I mean, where is the fun of killing you when no one cares? But then you jumped to another flower and gave me this perfect opportunity…"

"Where is he? What did you do to him?" I asked again, through clenched teeth. Her words hurt me more than I wanted to admit. Was I like that? Was I jumping to another flower?

"How lovely – you being so anxious. Honey, if you want to pick what's left of your lover boy number two, you better listen to me."

"What do you want me to do?" I knew she had a plan.

"Now you're talking. First, call off your dogs, honey."

"What dogs?" I didn't know if she was talking about the wolves or Emmett and Rosalie.

"All of them. Unless you want the Barbie, her big teddy bear and your sweet Doc to go down just like your little soldier."

"Okay," I said. "Then what?"

"Then – nothing. If you ever wish to see the remains of your lover boy, call off _all_ the dogs," she repeated coldly and hung up on me.

My head was spinning, a million thoughts swirling. What could I do? Was Jasper even alive? What did she mean when she said, "pick up what's left of him?" What should I do? _What should I do?_

"Bella?" I heard Carlisle outside.

"I'm coming," I said quietly, knowing he could hear me anyway.

The minute he saw me, he knew something had happened.

"What's wrong?"

"I..." I hesitated, not knowing what I could or should tell him.

"You'll tell me on the way," Carlisle interrupted me. "Rose called to say that they've found them. We're to meet Rose and Emmett in an hour outside Seattle."

So we ran: Carlisle calm and collected as usual, and me – in despair, uncertain of anything, and repeating prayers for Jasper like a mantra.

"***"

"An army? A vampire army?" I asked incredulously. "How is it even possible?"

Emmett and Rosalie were describing what they saw. Mostly it matched Jasper's reports, but the number of spotted vampires was even higher than he had said. It all seemed so well planned. Was Victoria capable of such a thing? Jasper said he believed there was someone more powerful behind it all. But again – Jasper was now in Victoria's hands – probably severely harmed, possibly even dead already, so maybe he had underestimated her?

I was undecided whether I should or shouldn't tell the family about the phone call. Victoria told me to back off. If Jasper was still alive I could not risk pissing her off with my actions. I had to do just as she ordered. On the other hand, I knew it all was probably leading to her killing me in the end. And Jasper was most likely dead – there was no other explanation for his absence. He surely wouldn't allow himself to be captured. He must have put up a fight.

I tried to imagine my life without Jasper in it and just couldn't. If he was lost, I was lost, too. There was nothing else for me anymore. I might as well go to Victoria to get slaughtered. I didn't care. But then again – maybe there was still hope?

I felt like death itself. It was me who brought all of this on the Cullen family. If it wasn't for me, all of them – Edward, Alice, Jasper – they all would be fine. But I had been resigned for so long. Time was slipping through my fingers. Now I felt anger. I was ultimately pissed. There had to be a limit to the injustice done to us. I refused to go down without a fight this time. If Jasper was alive, I would save him. And if he wasn't – well, I was going to follow him, but first, I would make sure Victoria and as many others as possible would be punished for that.

However, there was no way I could do anything about it alone. I could not – no, I _would_ not ask the very few Cullens who were left to accompany me to this crusade, which would surely end badly. Only one force I knew of could overwhelm a vampire army. I had really hoped I would never have to see any of them again, but I couldn't think of any other way. So I took my phone and dialed the number I had stored there when I emerged from the Georgia woods with Jasper.

It beeped two times before he picked it up.

"Felix?" I said. "I need your help."


	14. Rescue me

**A/N**

I do not own anything Twilight.

Many, many thanks to **SqueakyZorro** for beta work on this!

Thank you all for reading and for reviews – they really mean a lot to me!

The story is coming to the end now. One more chapter after that one.

**14. Rescue me**

After I finished talking to Felix, I returned to the family. They were all looking at me expectantly, awaiting answers.

"I called the Volturi," I informed them, not meeting their glances.

"What? Why?" they asked almost in unison.

I quickly recounted the call I got from Victoria. When I got to the part with "Jasper's pieces," my voice broke down.

"There's no other way we can deal with it," I explained. "Maybe I should wait for her next call, but well, I think there is no point. She would kill us all anyway. Even if she's just after me, accidents can happen on the way. I'm sure of it. Felix said that he would call me back in a few hours to let me know if they're coming to help. But they surely wouldn't leave such a dangerous thing – let her recruit more of this army – so most probably they'll send the guards here soon."

The Cullens agreed with my reasoning. Even Emmett, who really wanted to fight the whole army by himself, had to admit it wasn't really possible. So, we waited.

I sat on the ground, with my head in my hands and eyes closed, praying again, and again, and again. _Please let him be okay, please let him live, please let him be okay…_

I felt someone putting a hand on my back.

"Bella, will you be all right? With them coming here?" Carlisle asked.

I looked around to see we were alone. Emmett and Rosalie must have left us some time before.

"I don't know," I said honestly. "But what else can I do? If there's a chance for Jasper, I have to try anything I can."

It took one more day before Felix called me back. As I had expected, he assured me they would take care of the situation. Their arrival was scheduled in two days. I asked who was coming, but Felix just informed me that the number would be enough, and that he would be coming, too. I was glad he would be on the team, even though something in his voice felt odd. But as long as they were willing to help me, I didn't question the motivations behind it.

The waiting was killing me though. I was checking my phone every five minutes, filling the moments in between with my "save-Jasper" mantra. I tried to ask Emmett to help me prepare to fight, but he just laughed at me – no one even considered me capable of violence or having any combat skills. I was hurt a bit because I felt desperate enough to fight, but I didn't voice it.

Then, after an unbearable amount of time, my phone finally rang.

"We've just landed," Felix said. "Where can we meet?"

I told him our location, and after what seemed to be an eternity, he emerged from the woods, followed by quite a large group of dark-cloaked figures. _How cliché..._ I thought. I could sense Jane in the group, probing me as usual, and I flinched. If there was anyone in the world I wished death to, apart from Victoria, it was that small, evil bitch. But I said nothing. I shouldn't be picky when it came to those who offered help.

We did a small briefing before going to town. The guards seemed to be disturbingly well informed about the situation, as if they not only knew about the whole thing since the beginning but planned it, too. But again – I tried to stop being suspicious and be grateful for their help.

We all moved quickly and soundlessly to the place where Emmett and Rosalie had spotted the vampires. The sun was just setting, but the streets in this part of the town were mostly empty. We reached a small, dirty house at the end of the road and took our positions. My role was to follow the guards and look for Jasper, trying not to get in the way of others too much. I was okay with it, looking for Jasper being my main goal, anyway.

"***"

When we entered the place all hell broke loose in one moment. It was like one of those S.W.A.T. operations, or action movies, where everyone is running around shouting and fighting each other. We just didn't have guns.

I tried to keep myself unnoticed while I searched one room after another in the old house. The windows were painted black or covered in wood panels, so it was fairly dark inside. In every room there were bunches of vampires, and I could only admire the Volturi's deadly efficiency with getting rid of them. I tried to not pay attention to the ripping sounds and growls and stop worrying about Emmett, Rosalie and Carlisle. They were somewhere at the back anyway, helping the guards and making sure that no one escaped, or alarmed the humans.

I suspected that, if Jasper was a captive, he'd be somewhere where it would be easy to restrain him. So I searched for a cellar. I went downstairs and found an unguarded, closed metal door.

I didn't know why, but I imagined he would be lying somewhere on the ground, battered and stained with blood. _But he was a vampire, for God's sake!_ It wasn't possible.

I opened the door, breaking the lock in the process. And he was there, standing motionless by the opposite wall, observing the door, ready to attack. He was okay. _He was okay._ That was the only thing I could think about.

When his eyes met mine, he ran to me in an instant and crashed into me with such force that I stumbled back and almost landed on my bottom. He hugged me tight for the briefest moment and released me, assessing my look before shoving me quickly behind him - just in time to prevent a tall, bulky vampire, who must have followed me through the door, from lunging at us.

We slowly moved upstairs. I was so shocked at finding Jasper alive and so overwhelmed with unnamed emotions, I was just following him without a word. Whenever we encountered any opponent, Jasper dealt with it quickly, almost effortlessly. I hadn't seen him being violent before – apart from my birthday incident – so I was amazed to see him in action. He surely did know what he was doing. He was calm, precise, and strong. _Fucking glorious_. And scary as hell, as well. At least he was scaring _me_ to death. I didn't know what to think about this warrior-Jasper.

But before I could start dwelling on that, we emerged outside to see the remains of the army being literally ripped apart by the Volturi's guards. Carlisle was also there, but he wasn't participating in the battle. He was standing at the back, observing the front porch. When he saw me with Jasper, his eyes lit up. But we didn't have time for cheerful reunions. I tried to focus on the scene in front of me. The guards seemed to have fun with the killing, which was extremely disturbing to me. But something else was off, as well.

I saw Victoria standing next to Jane, both looking at the end of the battle with regret in their eyes. Jasper saw them, too, and lunged at Victoria without warning. That was when I noticed Jane direct her eyes to Jasper. I knew well what was coming. I wouldn't let that happen ever again.

"No!" I yelled and moved myself in front of Jasper before Jane even had the time to blink.

Jasper bumped into my back, but I stood firm on the ground.

"What…" he started, but he was interrupted by the bored voice.

"Well, well, look at that. So, finally, you let us see what you've got. I always knew it was just a matter of… appropriate motivation," Jane purred, not taking her glance from Jasper.

I could feel her struggle to bypass me in order to reach Jasper.

"Fuck you," I said. "Leave him alone."

"Mind your language if you don't want him to be hurt," Jane hissed, but she was interrupted by Felix, who moved beside her, shooting her an icy glance.

"Aro expressed himself clearly, that he wished no more harm to be done to this family," Felix said sternly.

"Yes, well, I'm sure he'll be interested to hear about our little discovery here, though." Jane half-smiled. "He'll be pleased to know he was right about her being a shield, just like he suspected." She finally stopped trying to get to Jasper.

"Yes, he will be," Felix said. "As much as he'll be interested in how this redheaded idiot was able to gather such a force without anyone noticing it," he added, looking at Jane intently.

"No harm done, then," she said lightly and walked away, taking Victoria with her.

"She must die," Jasper said to Felix. I wasn't sure if he meant Victoria or Jane…

"I'll make sure she receives her punishment," Felix assured him vaguely. Again, I couldn't tell which one he was talking about.

Jasper was about to say something more but changed his mind and just stood there. I could feel his tension, though.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, we have to finish here and go back home. Aro has a lot of patience, but we don't want to push it," Felix continued.

I could see that the whole battle was over. None of the newborns had survived. It all went so quickly… I tried not to think that they had been humans once, that they had families, who might have been still hoping to get their loved ones back. I tried not to acknowledge that it was me again who brought death upon someone. I was interrupted by Felix's voice.

"It was nice seeing you, Bella," he said slowly. "You look… better."

"Thank you, Felix," I replied, reaching for Jasper's hand and entwining my fingers with his. "For everything."

"You're welcome," Felix said, looking down at our clasped hands. "Jasper, Carlisle." He nodded to them and turned around to leave.

And within a few moments the Volturi were gone, Victoria with them, the last guards lighting the fire to burn the remaining vampire pieces before disappearing into the night.


	15. You are

**A/N**

Okay, here we go – the last chapter, only a VERY short Epi after.

Thank you **SqueakyZorro** for all the work you've done on this story!

And thank you ALL for the reviews, putting the story on alerts and on favs. You are the best!

I do not own anything Twilight.

* * *

><p><strong>15. You are<strong>

It was just us now – the family. We stood there a bit awkwardly, not knowing what to do next. I wanted nothing but to hold Jasper tight, making sure he was really there with me – alive and in one piece. Emmett and Rose emerged from the house at last, a little bit disheveled but excited, practically jumping for joy, beaming at us. Carlisle was talking on the phone, relaying the events to a very nervous Esme.

I glanced at Jasper to see him looking at me, too. We still held hands.

"We need a minute," Jasper said to Carlisle, not breaking our eye contact even for a second.

"Sure, take your time," Carlisle agreed, getting off the phone. "We'll wait for you at home, whenever you're ready. We're heading to the airport now."

Jasper nodded and tugged on my hand. We ran to the woods, arriving at a small clearing in the middle of nowhere where we stood in front of each other. I wasn't sure what he expected of me. I reached for his other hand and opened my mouth to say something, but before I could voice anything, we were kissing, hands groping each other, and clothes being pulled.

Our last time was all about solace and finding comfort in each other's bodies. This time, it was so much different – it was all about the need to reassure each other that we were still alive. It was pure hunger. We couldn't get undressed fast enough - ripping our clothes and tugging on our hair in the process.

The moment my underwear was off, he pushed me roughly to the ground and buried himself in me practically with one movement. I didn't care that we were on the ground and pine needles were tickling my back. It just felt so right to be with him like that. It was like feeling the sunshine again. It was like home.

I tried to keep him even closer although it wasn't really possible. Mouths were meeting, tongues pushing against each other, teeth clicking. I was holding his hair tight, gripping it in my fists, while trying to urge him deeper with my legs. Just then I felt him tense and after a moment he stilled.

His hands shook when he took my face in them, trying to look into my eyes.

"I'm sorry." He tried to start apologizing.

"I know, baby. That's okay. I needed it that way, too," I assured him.

He put his forehead on my shoulder, inhaling deeply, while still in me. He started stroking my cheeks and my temples gently with his fingers and then moved to look into my eyes again.

"I love you," I said, stunned a little with my sudden declaration.

"I know," he answered softly, and we both laughed. The moment was so intense, but that those two words let us relax.

"I should start searching for that golden bikini then?" I joked.

"Yeah, I'd love that, please," he laughed.

We were smiling at each other while he was still keeping my face in his hands, brushing the skin on my temples.

"I love you, too," he said, and I smiled back at him before kissing him again. It was so sweet, calm, and reassuring.

"How long have you known?" I asked him after a while.

"About you or me?"

"Both."

"You – since Oakland, that last night when we kissed. I was sure about it then."

"And you?" I whispered.

"Since Oakland as well. I don't know exactly. It just happened somewhere along the way."

"But… it's so different." I couldn't explain it.

"Yes. It is different," he agreed.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"How could I?"

"Yeah, you're right. I wouldn't have ever known then if it was real," I said. "But that means, you knew when we…"

"I did." He smiled.

"***"

We kissed some more, now slowly, relishing the moment, tasting each other. I was tracing his many new scars with my fingers, stopping at the broad crack in the base of his arm, going right under his armpit - like his whole arm was ripped off and then sealed back on. Oh God. It was, wasn't it? That was what Victoria was talking about, when she said "pick up the remains" of Jasper?

"That's okay," he reassured me. "It's just a scar, nothing more. Don't be sad about it."

I laid my head back on his chest. He was here - that was what mattered. Although I wanted to rip that little whore into pieces with my bare hands for hurting him that way.

"How come you were captured? I mean, how is it even possible?" I asked the question I had been asking myself countless times.

"Aghh. I was so stupid. It really is true that arrogance kills. I was so sure I knew what I was doing. And I did – up to the point when I found out that it wasn't Victoria alone who was behind it. You remember when I called you the last time?"

"Yes." How could he think I could ever forget that?

"I knew that there was something bigger going on. And I knew I couldn't do this alone, but I just wanted to make sure. I wanted to take a closer look, to talk to someone there. Victoria knew me, but she was rarely there. She had that young boy, Riley, who would do all the stuff for her. I thought I could get to him and get some more information. So I got rid of anything that could out me – like the clothes with your scent on, or the phone. I left it in your house and tried to sneak into their hideout."

"I found the phone," I said. "Victoria knew about it, and she called me after I came here."

"She was sick from the need for revenge. She wanted mate for mate, and she wanted your mate to be hurt. And Edward was dead, so she couldn't have that. But then she found out about us and decided I would be as good as him. She wanted to kill you in order to make me suffer."

I was trying to concentrate on his words, but only one thing seemed important to me in this moment. The way he said "us." The way he said he was my mate. Was Jasper that?

But I still needed other answers first.

"I know what she wanted. But I really don't understand how they could incapacitate you? I mean, you are _you_…"

"I said, I was arrogant. I went in so easily. I thought they were buying the story I had told them. But they were very prepared for me. They knew exactly who I was and why I was there. They were expecting me. It was a perfect trap, and there were just too many of them. So I had to let them take me. I wasn't able to fight them without the risk of losing. So I just surrendered."

"I thought you'd left me," I admitted.

"I would never do that. You know it, right?" he said looking into my eyes.

"I don't know." I really didn't.

He placed his hand on my cheek and made me look at him.

"I was held there _because_ I promised not to leave you. If I had put up a fight, I would have lost. And then I wouldn't be able to keep my promise. I couldn't leave you even if I wanted to, and I want to be with you. You should know it by now," he said calmly.

I was threading and unthreading a small lock of his hair while trying to believe in his words so hard that it made my mind hurt physically.

"I hated not being able to contact you," he continued. "I tried influencing the ones that were guarding me, but they were clever - they kept changing guards, keeping a few in with me, and a few out. I wasn't able to control everyone with my gift, and they had ones with special skills as well. And then, I finally found out from some conversation that it was the Volturi who were helping Victoria. You figured it out as well, right?"

"Not before I saw Victoria standing with Jane when we emerged from the cellar. I feel so stupid for calling Felix…" I admitted.

"But that was the best thing you could have done! I mean, they were behind it but couldn't admit to such actions. And I really think that not all of the Volturi guards were aware of the situation. It could have been authorized by Aro, but maybe it wasn't. I don't really know, but judging from Felix's words, it probably wasn't. Anyway, calling them tied their hands, and they had to react. I just still do not understand why they would get involved in it in the first place. I find it hard to believe it was only to reveal your talent. There are limits to curiosity…"

I was having a hard time believing in it as well. But I couldn't come up with any other explanation.

"By the way," Jasper interrupted my deductions. "What was that with Jane?"

"I'm not sure." I shrugged. I still hadn't had time to process it all. "I just couldn't let her hurt you. So I just thought 'no,' and she wasn't able to reach you," I explained lamely.

"I think you might have the ability to produce some kind of a shield, just like Jane said. That is a powerful thing, you know?"

"I don't know. I'm really not sure what that was."

"We'll figure it out," he said.

Once again, I liked the way he said "we."

I snuggled to him more, and we lay quietly on the ground, stroking each other's arms, occasionally kissing. He moved me on top of him, and just like that, we were making love again, gently and slowly. I entwined my fingers with his. We held each other's gazes. Just before I came, I whispered "I love you, Jasper," to him and heard him say it back.

"***"

"What now?" I asked him.

"What do you mean?" He furrowed.

"What should we do now?"

"Well, we could start with hunting since I'm starving, and I can see that you didn't hunt either."

That was true. I couldn't even recall the last time I fed.

"Then we could clean up a little," he continued, grinning at me. "And then – we'll go home and try to gather the pieces together."

He was right. We could go home and try to gather the pieces. Even if the whole picture wasn't ever possible for us. At least we could be together in it.


	16. Home again  Epilogue

**16. Home again - Epilogue**

We were back in Forks – like always at this time of the year.

We lit candles for Edward and Alice and said our prayers. The graves were not visible anymore, but it didn't matter. Nothing was here anymore, except in our memories.

I lit a candle for Jacob and Charlie as well. They were buried in what used to be La Push, but I couldn't go there since we still respected the border. Even though the last descendants of wolves were long gone.

After that we went to the shore and sat on the edge of the cliff, looking down at the sea. I glanced at Jasper's eyes - they had that slight hint of redness in them, just like mine. The animals and the humans were very different these days.

I felt so tired, but I gave Jasper a small smile. I reached over to take his hand, and he grasped mine tightly. He was the sole constant in all this. He was my savior, my solace, my sunshine.

And as long as he chose to remain in this world, I would stay by his side.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**

Thank you SO MUCH for staying with the story for all this time. And thank you once more for the sweet reviews, they really meant more to me that you can ever imagine.

I hope to meet you in my other stories although I now write mostly slash ;)

Xxx MD


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